Categories: anxiety, work, hymns, relationships
Date: 09 March 2010 22:41:58
And it all falls apart.
A "simple" request to meet some people outside work sends me into anxiety central. In one sense I want to, as it is nice to be asked, but overwhemingly I do not -- or at least I feel I do not. And my "No" is answered with, "See how you feel later." Probably a proper response, but all I wanted to hear was, "That's okay...another time perhaps." The exact response I wanted to hear when someone at work asked what I wanted to do for my birthday; I replied "Nothing"; and the answer I got back was, "Well, we are going to doing something." Why cannot people accept my decisions? Or are my decisions so faulty they are trying to save me from them? I do not know.
Again it comes back to me setting boundaries between work and my life outside work. There have been cross-overs, and cross-overs I am comfortable with [trivia; a colleague's house...]; but not this. Not with the people concerned -- one in particular who I've referred to in equally cryptic comments previously: I am not ready. And I understand people may want to encourage me or are simply asking me somewhere as they enjoy my company, but I do not want in this way at this time. It's hard enough meeting with friends or going to Church; this, for me, is too much too soon.
I truly am thinking what I need to do in terms of work. I am not coping, though others disagree; it may be my high standards but I am struggling. Work-wise and people-wise. And this is just adding anxiety to anxiety. In many ways it is a good job [I can blog during work hours :)], and echoing my last post where we are is what we need to work on and strive through, for I am sure there are many lessons I could learn and there could be much growth, spiritual as well as emotional, here. But when a simple request sends you into tears, is it really worth it? I simply do not know.
I am sure I sound like a whinger and whiner, for which I apologise. I am so blessed with all given to me. I am sure people read this and wonder at how I could be so obtuse, or wonder how such a little request floors me emotionally. I know many people struggle with mental health, and health in general, issues far beyond my level, and without the blessings I have of good friends and a good and understanding workplace. Intellectually I can see I am blessed if I try. But emotionally, mentally, I am so immature in terms of relationships, and I still have as my focus that boy in school who never fitted in and was teased. I should be beyond this; but I am not. All I can do is plough on and take each moment as it comes, and look to it as a means of growth. But sometimes, and perhaps this is at the root of it, I am so terrified of taking an unknown step I stay where I am. And that may not be all that helpful either.
Trying to end positively, I recall a refrain between the verses of Psalm 150 from Great Compline which gives me comfort for indeed we have no other way in times of distress but to turn to God:
O Lord of Hosts, be with us, for we have no other help in times of sorrow but You. O Lord of Hosts, have mercy on us.