And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes...

Categories: work, self-esteem, reading, life, music

Date: 05 March 2010 11:45:23

From Revelation 21:4, and listened to through Edgar Bainton's wondrous anthem, And I saw a new heaven, sung by the talented [an understatement] choir of Sydney's Christ Church St Laurence on their What Sweeter Music CD tonight as I was driving home: and also on repeat now as I type.

A day of intensity; as I think I have said before, my psychologist has said she feels our sessions are rather "intense". I suppose because I am an "intense" person; I do in most cases tend to go for all when I do something, or I do not do it all: a middle road of plodding along is not a large part of my experience. And I wonder if it should be, if it would help me be a bit more balanced and level. Taking today, as an example:

Woke up in a calm mood and took in, even sitting in reverie as I wrote on Facebook, the sounds of the birds and the brilliance of the sunrise; I felt an intense, if that word fits, sense of peace and calm: until the garbage truck rolled by... :)
Collapsed in tears at work in the morning, with feelings of worthlessness, necessitating a quick escape and visit to the local coffee shop where I sat for an hour and starting reading The Careful Use of Compliments by Alexander McCall Smith [and pondered whether I should've looked for book #2 in the series rather than borrowed #4, anyway...] and read part of the Fourth Step [on Obedience] of my patron Saint's The Ladder of Divine Ascent: books at opposite ends of the spectrum
Returned to work and after lunch had a brief conversation with a colleague, a friend, who was concerned for me; and then later an in-depth conversation with a colleague on all manner of topics ranging from Gnostic Christian texts to ancient civilisations to Zen [of which he spoke of, myself having no knowledge]
Put my head down and ploughed through the work I had to do
Had a conversation which left me near tears, again due to my feelings of worthlessness in relation to someone; as well as the fact, perhaps due to the feelings, I cannot have a normal conversation with this person but constantly apologise or lessen my achievements and praise their achievements and not so much place gently but forcibly hoist them up on a pedestal; as well as making other statements [I wish my brain would kick in and shut my mouth sometimes!] which I am sure sound very odd
Attended the Akathist Service tonight, which, while I did drift in and out of focusing on the service and, God forgive me, pondering the past day in my head, did grant me an overwhelming sense of being renewed and revived, emotionally and spiritual
Listened to the above-mentioned CD as I drove home, and got rather teary as the line "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes" was sung; as above I am still playing it -- though the tears are not currently falling
Listened, and delighted in the rain, which I love, and which also revived and renewed me in a sense

While I am, thanks be to God, calm and at peace now, if God grants to me the joy of being in the new Heaven and a new earth with Him dwelling with His people the promise of wiping away every tear seems aparticularly blessed assurance at the moment.