Date: 11 September 2008 13:15:24
A nice ending though: after 20/20 in Round 1, 18/20 in Round 2 [I take responsibility for one wrong answer; I thought Celine Dion represented France in Eurovision -- it was Switzerland] and 6/10 in Round 3 we came second. I also had a very nice steak with a prawn skewer for my dinner, and a hot chocolate and apple crumble for dessert.
But back to the day...
Is it not a testament to the Grace, Love and Patience of God that even when we commit the same sins, again and again, there is the hope, moreso, the assurance, of forgiveness. And I need that forgiveness tonight more than usual.
My stress levels have been rising at work due to -- as I see it, and I admit it is only my view -- inaction in certain areas. And constant inaction. Despite great need. But that is no excuse. Today I exploded. I let fly with a four letter word, and multiple variations thereof, that I usually do not let pass my lips -- and more than that a word I usually find distasteful to even hear. And to whom? Someone two levels above me. Not directed at him [perhaps worse that it was directed at others -- add talking behind others' backs to my list of sins], but still said. And said again. And rammed home for effect. From my managers' reactions I could see they knew I was in a bad place -- their faces said it all. But it was out. And can't be taken back.
There is no excuse: I could try and make one up but there is none. As a Christian I am called to show love and patience; I am surprised the Society of Christianity hasn't called me to revoke my membership because I doubt I have made any progress there. And anyone who sees me at work must wonder how I can call myself a Christian.
I find nothing of value in myself currently. God only knows how [if?] He can. Anger and a short-temper are my constant struggles; and, frankly, they are too strong for me. I know we are called to "give them to God", and God makes strong our weaknesses, and we are called to fight these passions, but I give in. Constantly. It is hard. Too hard. For lazy me perhaps; I do not know even if I try. I feel I do, but given the ease at which the tempers flares and words come out I doubt I'm even taking baby steps let alone confident strides.
And whenever I think I have taken a step forward in conquering them, I take not two steps but a seeming kilometre back. And I start the climb back out of the pit again. And again. And again.
I can but pray, and ask for your prayers. And pray that my patron Saint remembers me and has not forsaken me: I wouldn't blame him. If Saints in heaven get around to each other and talk about those who ask for their intercessions, I am sure my name is spoken, if at all, behind a covered mouth and in dark corners.
St John Climacus, pray for me.