Categories: self-esteem, relationships
Date: 17 February 2010 22:49:23
From my work desk calendar:
Some people are so sensitive they feel snubbed if an epidemic overlooks them.Kin Hubbard
As my psychologist said on Monday, I have a push-pull thing going with social interaction. I need, and would like, interaction and communication, especially when anxiety or depression hits though not only then [the fact I blabber on here endlessly shows it too!], and I enjoy meeting people through courses or other social avenues; yet at the same time I keep myself away for various reasons: some unhelpful -- fear of judgement, fear of mistakes, fear of not being "good enough" [whatever that means]; some helpful -- I need time to "recharge", I need "me time". I feel currently the unhelpful reasons have the upper-hand in determining my response. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for friends and family at times; being outgoing one day and withdrawn the next: but thanks be to God I am blessed with understanding friends and family.
I also need a great deal of affirmation [this is not a cry for comments :) ]; if I am asked somewhere, my first response is "Are you sure it's alright if I come?" Given I have been asked, it must be; but deep within that voice saying "You are not good enough" is there, and thus the comment comes out and the person, for whom I have been rather unfair in throwing back a question that may make no real sense, responds, "Of course" with a, completely appropriate given my response, puzzled look on their face. I may seek more assurance; I may hide it: it depends on the day. But that insecurity, although tough for me, I believe is also tough on others. As above, thanks be to God I am blessed with understanding friends. I should not be constantly [we all need assurance sometime, but I do not believe I should need it every second] putting them in such a strange situation. I am trying to change this, bit by bit: small steps such as holding back a verbal expresion of "Are you sure it's alright if I come?", although my mind, my heart, is saying it silently.
And, finally, it is very odd, but true, that I do hold myself to a different standard than I'd expect from anyone else: if someone needed assurance from me I'd gladly give it, but I do not allow myself that same need.
Information on "how I work" is good: it does help. Though at the same time it can be rather intense [a word my psychologist used for our sessions; I am rather intense in all I do: "all or nothing"] and overwhelming. But small steps at first. Small steps.