Categories: work, self-esteem, relationships
Date: 12 February 2010 00:23:21
A brain dump, but any suggestions/comments appreciated if you feel so inclined.
As I have written previously, I did, in various ways, overstep boundaries last year in terms of work / personal life due to the fact I felt I needed to talk -- and latched on to anyone who would listen. I now feel uncomfortable around certain people; certain people for no good reason, one for a reason I am aware of -- and not sure if I will go into here.
So I am keeping quiet. I am not discussing things. I am re-establishing boundaries that I hope I do not cross over. I am wanting some line between work and personal.
But is it too late? Once that boundary is overstepped, can you re-build the wall? What are people's expectations? What are they thinking when I do not stop and talk as often as I once did?
In one sense I feel guilt as I am not talking to others as much as I once did. I feel terrible about it, but I simply, in a sense, want to be left alone. In another sense, as we all do, I crave friendship, but I have that outside at work. I do not feel comfortable discussing things here: work is one of the issues I am struggling with, as well as some personal and people issues here. People ask me if I am alright; I say I am well and leave it at that. I can see they want to talk; they want me to be who I was: but I am not.
I tend to, rather than go to an appropriate level of communication, go to complete withdrawl. I freely admit my social skills are underdeveloped and uninformed: I have no idea what a balanced way is. So I clam up. I avoid. I withdraw. I take it to extremes.
Which probably makes it worse in the long term, even the short term, as I am persisting in this maladaptive behaviour. But I really do not know how to act in a proper and beneficial way. Sad, pathetic even; but the truth.
Perhaps, as I blogged yesterday, I need to give others a chance to love me. I am starting with friends and family; is it necessary that I do it at work too? And if I should, can it take time [starting trust and accepting love from family and friends is emotionally and mentally exhausting enough] or should I grab the bull by the horns? No idea. Is it rude / wrong / immoral even to raise boundaries with people that were once down? People obviously do care, even if I do not see it as I should due to self-esteem issues, but where is the boundary? Can I say, "I appreciate your concern but I do not want to talk about it" without feelings of guilt let alone risking hurting or offending others?
How do I tell people I do not want to go to lunch without seeming rude? I've drafted an e-mail umpteen times and never sent it: probably for the best. Is "I am not up to it?" [which may then lead to questions on how I am] okay?; is "I am not able to" [vague enough I hope] a reasonable answer? The real answers, "I do not feel good enough" and a more significant one which I will keep to myself for now, are somewhere I do not want to go; I've already foolishly revealed the first one at times: how can one even expect someone to respond to a statement, "I am not good enough to spend time with you"? I cannot believe I uttered it: and not once but several times.
Ah...the "significant issue". The one I am afraid of admitting for some reason. The one it took my psychologist 5 minutes to get to as as soon as the first question was asked I realised what was actually being asked and rather than address it I skirted around it. Those who know me well probably have an idea what it involves, suffice it to say here I have no idea how to handle the emotions that come with it. But I trust in God, knowing all things are for a Good Purpose, no matter how unlikely it may seem. Still, it doesn't take away the pain. The intense pain I feel. The pain that makes me, at any place and time when I think about it, even as I am typing, pour forth tears because I feel so lost, so helpless, so unsure.
Anyway...
In another sense, I suppose, I am withdrawing from these relationships because I am withdrawing from work itself: I have no interest in it currently, and if I were in a better mental or financial state I'd probably be out looking for something else.
Oh well. What a load of babbling. But better out of mind than swirling around in it.
Lord have mercy.