Categories: anxiety, friends, self-esteem, food, relationships
Date: 11 February 2010 04:23:10
Had a wonderful dinner last night with two friends who are fine cooks at their place: a most wonderful salad with vermicelli and some mighty delicious salmon fish cakes. Finished off with a baked ricotta cake and a lovely cup of tea. I also had my first taste of cider which was not unpleasant. It was great to see them and catch up, and just talk about things as well.
As fearful as it is, I am finding I can, and in some sense need to, trust in people and ask for help when I am struggling. For the results can be so wonderful. Yudhie posts wonderfully here on allowing others to love and care for us; as he writes:
... It is not easy for me, either because of my shyness or even may be of my pride to ask my friends, "I need your help..." Rather I would prefer to do it alone and start being sad when I couldn't understand. Many times in my sinfulness, I like to 'help' others because that would make me feel worthy instead of revealing my struggle and to trust other to help and love me too.Words that strike me because I see myself in them; I am scared often to ask for help, and I would much prefer to help others to give me some sense of worth than allow others to help me....
For it is not only that we should love others, but that we should permit others to love us.
Of course, some measure of consideration comes into this; there are people I can turn to and there are others I cannot. A big issue with me last year was that I blurred these boundaries rather dramatically at work, and where I revealed far more to some people, one person in particular, than I now wish I had. But what is done is done. There are still struggles, with that one person in particular, due to feelings I am finding hard to control -- or even understand. A sense of powerlessness grips me, and all I want to do is run. Run as far away as I can. As I cannot, I switch to a mode where I withdraw. Which then leads to thoughts and even actions which are probably not helpful: by withdrawing I am not dealing with it. But at the same time perhaps I am not ready to deal with it as yet. A strange place to be.
By your prayers, which I humbly ask for, I pray some sense can come into all of this. There are good moments, and successes, as I blog about each week -- seeing the positives. But it is still a darn hard road to travel.