Categories: self-esteem, australia
Date: 26 January 2010 08:36:05
Another hot and humid Sydney day: but a day off work at least! Today is Australia Day, commemorating the arrival of the First Fleet [the ships which sailed from England to establish the colony] into Sydney in 1788. The day really passes me by...I am thankful for all the benefits of living here in Australia, but I do not do anything "Australian" [whatever that means] today: I took myself off to see Up in the Air which was very different to what I expected: in a good way. Great performances and a fascinating look at aspects of modern life -- but rather intense and raw emotionally.
There is some discomfort within me when I ponder being "Australian". Because, whatever it means [and I'm probably not sure myself!], I do not see myself as part of it. The interests I have are not the interests I "feel" I should have. I know there are many who have interests similar to me, but what I am realising through this endless psychological examination of myself is that I am uncomfortable with who I am. I feel like an outsider. Growing up [and this is no criticism of my family: merely facts] I was not interested as they were in the beach or rugby league or other things. In social groups, be it peers, friends or work, I often feel like I stick out, because I am the one who hasn't seen this or that film, or who doesn't know a particular music artist. In a sense I want to be, crave to be, invisible, because somewhere I believe I do not belong anywhere. And for the most part I simply do keep quiet in circumstances where I may be revealed as "different".
I always assumed it did not bother me, but being aware of it [which I am not sure is a blessing: "ignorance is bliss" and all that] I am realising it is influencing certain behaviours [withdrawal] and thoughts [I am weird] about myself. So I may need to be more proactive in opening myself up, acknowledging my differences and my interests where appropriate. I have done so occasionally, and the results have been fine -- I have not been called strange or loss friendships over it [yes, my warped mind thinks of all manner of consequences]. But some fear is still there. And, as with everything, the fears need to be faced head-on; although I'd much rather hide my head in the sand.
But sometimes the psychological examinings can get a bit much. So I am letting myself off the hook, in some ways, for the rest of the week. My weekly sessions with the pscyhologist are now to be fortnightly [weekly is a bit too much for me now], and in some sense, while I do need to practise the techniques to try and ensure I keep moving forward, I also feel I have to give myself a break sometime: because often I am too much in my head and it is simply exhausting. Mindfulness [from the CCI section on Generalised Anxiety], "experiencing the world that is firmly in the 'here and now'", is something I need to do: for there are many experiences I am probably missing the full impact of, because I'm often somewhere else in my head, be it in the past or future. And as "Mindfulness" can be as simple as going for a walk and feeling the sun on your back or the wind as it hits your clothes or the colours of a tree or the song of a bird or the taste and texture of a food being eaten, I find it a useful technique: even if it can be harder than it seems. But it does get me out of my head, if only for a few moments sometimes, which is a good thing.