Categories: anxiety, self-esteem, relationships
Date: 19 January 2010 09:36:57
This post, and perhaps a few following, may be quite raw emotionally. Just a warning. I just need to get these thoughts down to get them out of my head.
I am so drained. Physically [tears]; mentally [thoughts]; emotionally [up and down]. I am struggling: not in a functioning day-to-day sense, but mentally/emotionally.
I *know* what I need to do. I know it within me, my psychologist [who I saw this afternoon: weekly sessions at the moment] tells me...but it doesn't make it any easier.
So I had experiences that led me to where I am. Fine and good. I get that. The issue is now: in theory it's a cinch; try and get me to change my thinking or change my behaviour and I am terrified. Absolutely terrified.
So my coping mechanism [supress, supress and supress some more] isn't helpful nor feasible any more, the supressed having bubbled to the surface and now exploding like a volcano: good. But it's all I know. It's all I've tried before. It's familiar. Destructive perhaps, but familiar. "Better the devil you know" as Kylie once sang.
So I overstepped some boundaries at work in terms of personal/professional relationships -- revealing to someone in a weakened state my emotional/mental state which I now regret. It's in the past: I know better now. Fine and good. I'm still terrified at seeing this person again. Add the fact I've placed them on a pedestal and desire a personal relationship with them, most likely because I see them as a "saviour" with a lifeline [due to the positive help they gave me -- a listening ear and advice] to my sinking self -- and I feel screwed no matter which way I turn.
So I am scared to go to lunch. But it never is just lunch. In my warped mind it's "Let's invite the poor sad Ian who is so pathetic as an act of charity."
I am darn lucky in many ways. I know it: good friends, good colleagues, a good job. So now I feel guilty about being in such a state when others are worse off. Haiti, anyone?
I am thankful for the support I have, thankful for my psychologist as well: the advice is good. But it's not easy. And I am reaching the point where it's easier to revert back to who I was then try and change myself. I know that is a horrible thing to say, but I am so drained. So tired. I know, at some level, all is for a purpose; but at the same time this is how it is in my head. And pretending it isn't won't do much.
Yet I have made gains.
I did go to lunch on Saturday and had a good time.
I stayed at a church I visited for most of the service Sunday.
I am going to work and doing my job: perhaps not as efficient or as much as I did before, but more than I had expected.
I am opening myself up more to trusted friends and finding support I had not dreamed possible.
And somehow, through the grace of God, I will get through this.