Categories: depression, anxiety, relationships
Date: 04 October 2009 01:59:20
Stealing from rain's blog, as she wrote it so well:
there’s only so much of this independent-I-can-do-it-myself-so-I-don’t-get-hurt-or-disappointed-style I can do. It’s exhausting. I need people. I need my friends. I need to care. And I’m tired from pretending that I don’t care. Because I really, really do.
I like to think of myself as independent. Perhaps too independent. An independence that was forged more to protect myself from hurt than anything else based on past experiences. Do not get me wrong: I do like doing things on my own -- and always will. But deep down, so deep down I was loathe to even admit its presence, was the truth that while I feigned a belief that whatever people thought of me did not matter, I did, and do, care. A lot. A great deal. But to admit this, as I saw it, would be weakness: and would be opening myself up to the possibility of getting hurt or being used -- which I wanted to avoid at all costs.
The revelation was on Tuesday when speaking to a colleague who was asking me why I was so down after speaking to him of my current struggles. The answer that almost passed my lips was "I'm lonely...so lonely.": what I vocalised was, "I miss my friends who are overseas." I'm happy I said that -- it was probably the better answer for the time. When I came home I sobbed uncontrollably -- did not want to admit this, but the very act of doing so was some help. But now there is dealing with it.
I'm not looking for sympathy and I apologise for the whinge-fest: I'm writing this down for me so I can return to it later and re-read it as needed: as well as hoping to see I've made some progress. Not sure what to do to be honest. I know I need some changes to occur...but have no idea where to begin. That is somewhat scary. But I am in a place now I do not like: a dark place that seemingly has no escape -- in better moments I know it does, for I have been here before: but at 4am in the morning it is rather hard to be logical. I just wish I could turn off the thoughts like one turns off a tap -- but it is not that easy. And probably shouldn't be. Growth, personal, mental, spiritual, takes work: takes effort. I can but hope the goal is worth it: I think it is; perhaps I know it is. But it is a darn hard slog and questioning and challenging long-held beliefs, however unhelpful they are, is tough: the thoughts I have, as unhealthy as they may be, are comfortable and 'natural' reactions to me -- to break these habits and to open myself up to something new is exceptionally frightening -- not knowing if I am capable or if I will like what happens. But, surely, it has to be a better place than where I am now.