Categories: depression, anxiety, work, self-esteem, reading
Date: 14 September 2009 12:33:22
Have a few hours off tomorrow morning; a technician is coming to repair a server after hours, and as I am staying behind I am going into work late. Assuming it is open mornings, I may visit a café nearby that I have not been to as yet for a mid-morning coffee...and perhaps a pastry if I am feeling indulgent.
I am happy I can go in late...I need a few hours to get myself together. Strange how a move into warmer weather and blue skies can affect my emotions in a negative way, but it appears to have. I have read that any change of seasons, not just to cooler and darker months, can play with one's mental state, and our move into Spring seems to have effected a little bump in my mental health. I went to the gym for BodyPump tonight and that has helped, as exercise does greatly assist me, but the thoughts are still making their way to the surface. I need to be better at challenging them: it is so easy to just give in though and accept them.
There are some issues I need to deal with: particularly my view of others, and particularly one colleague who I've placed so high on a pedestal he's practically in orbit. Feeling so insignificant compared to him, or feeling as though I cannot do the tasks he has asked me to help with well enough, feels rather debilitating. I shot off an e-mail to him, which I am now regretting [another issue to work on: accepting what is done as done and not dwelling on it], asking for his advice on certain issues and for some suggestions on improving how I give or request information in meetings, (1) as I respect his opinion and (2) he has experience in this and I am increasing being asked to be involved in meetings. As I wrote on Saturday, I prefer to be behind-the-scenes...while it appears I am capable of giving and eliciting information on projects, it is a nerve-wracking and anxiety-inducing experience for me -- and I constantly fear stuffing up or look back and dwell on one aspect I feel did not go well. I regret sending the e-mail as I worry I've come across strangely [is it something usually done, asking for advice on meeting behaviour?] as well as being rather self-indulgent in expecting him, who is not my manager nor a superior, though I may see him as the latter in some respect, to help me. Not sure. He has helped me in the past [for which, again, I feel terrible for lumping it on him]: listening to my struggles after I returned from Georgia; providing advice on diet and exercise; providing advice on stress management... I greatly respect his opinion, as well as admiring his accomplishments, and the fact he is an exceptionally generous and kind person, and I can but hope it comes across that way.
I am hoping for a slight change in my mental state to a Spring...particularly emotion-wise. I have started reading Emotional Intelligence: 10th Anniversary Edition; Why It Can Matter More Than IQ and am finding it a helpful read -- particularly the insights into the working of the brain in relation to emotions and some general tips and techniques for trying to control unhelpful emotions -- e.g. anger, depression, extreme anxiety... I am well aware that it is but through the Grace of God such changes can be effected, but I believe God calls me to make some progress and some steps from my side, becoming more Christ-like requires effort on my side, a lot of effort: and what I am finding useful in the book I but hope, and pray, I can put into action.