Categories: anxiety, work, family, friends, teaching, food, bushwalking-hiking
Date: 11 September 2009 22:31:41
In Sin City today. After the English Conversation Class this morning I will head up to the Blue Mountains for a bushwalk: thinking of doing the Red Hands Cave walk, the cave being home to an old Aboriginal shelter which has hand stencils on the walls.
Still fighting the eye/sinus infection: much reduced but still a bit sore. Far better though, thanks be to God.
Today is also my mum's 60th Birthday: many years mum! We celebrated last weekend, but I may try and get her out again tonight or tomorrow [she is busy today with a lot of other stuff]. My sister, brother-in-law and two nieces are at a wedding in Brisbane this weekend before heading off to Fiji for a holiday: I pray they have a most wonderful time.
Thanks be to God for continued blessings: particularly yesterday when I went out with my colleague for a talk, and small bite to eat, at a nearby club after work. We have been trying to catch up outside of work for a while, but it is often hard to find a time, particularly as he is exceptionally busy not only with his family but also all the work he does for the Eritrean community in Australia. We talked, laughed and joked about many things, talked about many personal things, and had a great time. A blessing indeed.
Talking for a brief while about work [inevitable, isn't it?] some ideas solidified in my mind: I was rather anxious [for no good reason] Thursday, where I was to go to a Project Meeting, and that kind of shook me up. Speaking about it, it became clear in mind that I prefer to be "behind-the-scenes" at work, and even "invisible". Not in terms of social interactions, well at least not all the time, but in terms of work. It may be strange to hear that, for those who have met me, because often I am "out there": but often it is an over-compensation for the anxiety I have. As I told my colleague, I was shaking during that meeting when asked questions: I could answer them, and according to him did it well, but I was shaking. And I made a joke or two to cover it.
It is niced to be noticed and get praise for a job well done, I do not deny that, but I would much rather work quietly in the background, do what I am asked, and let others present or answer questions or give opinions: even take the credit. This helped me also to see why I want to "escape" somewhere where no-one knows me, for example heading off to Lebanon for 6 months or a year. I like to be "invisible", in the background: ask for my opinion by all means, but when it comes to meetings or presentations with senior staff, I'd rather not be there. In a sense I would need another job for this to occur: I am in a position of some responsibility and people there, for some reason, believe in my abilities. That is nice to be sure: but at times I wish I could just work from 8:30 to 5 quietly and not be given, what I see, as responsibilities I am not interested in nor mentally, or perhaps emotionally, able to handle well. As I said, hard in this job, for that is my role: but perhaps useful should I look elsewhere. This realisation also helped me to realise why I was so nervous about that Management Masters course: it was humbling to be told by colleagues, and managers, I could, and should, do it: but it is not for me. At least not now.
An interesting and helpful realisation, for which thanks be to God.