Categories: anxiety, holidays, work, self-esteem, relationships
Date: 10 July 2009 05:57:21
I have had a bit of time to further ponder the emotional experiences of my holiday. Still sorting them out, particularly the questions raised in Georgia about my self-identity and self-worth: but today has been a day of revelation. It is an odd feeling when the same issues crop up wherever you turn, as if God is hammering the point home: and I suspect he may be.
I came back still frustrated and annoyed at work. I could not pin-point a reason: just frustration. I considered some action again: dreading coming to work is not a pleasant feeling. I had a meeting at 12 and two people from the motorway came up for it. After the meeting, one fellow [a person I have spoken of in previous posts] stayed behind and asked me about my trip.
I went in deep. I respect this man a lot and felt I could. But then went in a bit too deep -- at least I thought. I brought up feelings of confusion as to who I am, how I am seen by others, my own sense of worth [or lack thereof] and my confusion as to what I am to do in life. Standard topics to discuss at work. :)
The great colleague listened, offered advice, and did not shy away when the tears started. He also shared his own experiences for which I was grateful and moved. Of all the discussions, and there were many topics, the issue of self-worth and confidence [and how I see myself compared to how others see me] hit me hard. Particularly because the same issues have been brought up by several people in the last few weeks on tour in Georgia: people I had not met before. It was nothing as deep as I had with my work colleague, but kind comments about who I am and how I am seen by others. And these descriptions were so at odds with how I see myself that it, truly, shook me to the core of my being. "Who am I actually?" "Is the view I have of myself [at times worthless; incapable of friendships/relationships; unsure of my own skills -- or if I have any; a recluse and self-indulgent anti-social being] the whole picture of me?" "Am I actually capable of being liked, and being considered a friend?" These are the questions that arose. And scared me. Truly scared me. The picture I have of myself may seem overly harsh, but it is one I am comfortable with [in some sense; it can also be rather damaging but I have learnt, mostly, to work with it]: now I was getting signals, from those who had no reason to lie or pretend, that I was, in fact, personable and pleasant to be around.
Deep down I should know this. I do have friends. But a lack of self-esteem can make the most irrational thoughts seem plausible.
He also brought up the benefit of perhaps seeing a careers counsellor: at first given my confusion as to where I want to go, but later as a way to see my strengths. Being at uni, I could avail myself of one.
A great chat. And a great man. May God bless him in all he does.
But that was not the end. One more 'hammering home'. I read Tractor Girl's latest post, which I recommend as profitable reading on its own. But, given the above, her discussion of seeing a Careers Counsellor [albeit for different reasons than I] and then a deeply moving and heartfelt section on a sense of self-worth, and the adventure and excitement that is life, was like another sledge-hammer hitting me. As though God was saying, "You're a bit slow to listen...hopefully this will communicate what you need to hear and you will take it on board." I pray I will.
Thanks be to God for His Mercy, Lovingkindness and Bountiful Gifts in the people He brings into our lives.