Categories: anxiety, orthodox-life, holidays, self-esteem, monasticism, culture, georgia
Date: 05 July 2009 16:45:39
A brief update on my second-last day in Tbilisi. A lot more to come when I get back to Oz.
It has been wonderful: far better than I could've hoped. Three wonderful tour leaders, eight inspiring fellow travellers, and a great driver. I feel blessed to have been here; thanks especially to John for informing me of this tour. I heartily recommend John Graham's website: and if you are thinking of a small-group tour of Georgia, you could do no better than to journey with him and his fellow leaders. Go for it is my advice.
That said: it was overwhelming for me in many ways. My mental health issues, together [unexpectedly] with self-esteem issues, meant I had a minor anxiety attack on Tuesday and a lesser one today [last day of the tour: I am not at the final dinner]. John was very supportive, for which I give thanks to God. I was unprepared how much travelling to an "Orthodox" country would mean to me: the monasteries and churches were overwhelming enough [so ancient; so holy [Saints' tombs]; so special to me], but when I was asked, in shops, in churches, even on the streets when I walked in residential areas, if I was Orthodox [prayer-rope, cross necklace and crossing myself may've given it away!], it was something I was not expecting and emotionally hit me hard. Very hard. It was not just being asked, which was a shock enough coming from a very secular and, dare I say, irreligious country; it was the questions and discussions -- in Georgian and with gestures and signals -- asking where I was from, where I travelled, my Saint's name... And people in return sharing such details with me. And even when the questions were not religious, for a hermit like me it was confronting having people stop me and ask questions about myself. It was wonderful in a sense, truly wonderful really, just so unexpected -- no one in Australia ever stops me in the street to ask if I am Orthodox. And as I am often guarded about who I am [though often I say too much], it was therefore a jolt, confronting even, to my sense of who I am and how I am seen in the world at large.
The reason for these babblings is to ask for your prayers. As I determine, from the above experiences as well as the discussions with my tour colleagues [whom, though wonderfully inspirational and the most wondrous people, I did not get to know that well as I spent a lot of time on my own: I hope they were not offended], challenged me greatly. The issue now is moving from mental challenges to practical actions. Also included in this is my lack of self-esteem and lack of [as I see it: and the fault does lie with me] true male friendships until university, and my issues with interactions with males. This led to some challenges for me in the group too.
I pray I return to Australia with a better sense of who I am, and with a plan to get to where I want to be. This trip, brief as it was, has challenged me in ways I could have never expected: and while in some sense I would wish it were and easier and less mentally- and spiritually-confronting time, I know there is a bigger plan and purpose being directed by God for me.
Lord, have mercy. Lord, have mercy. Lord, have mercy.