Categories: anxiety, work, self-esteem
Date: 22 May 2009 11:54:12
I packed up to leave work around 17:30, overheard a conversation, participated in it, one thing led to another, one person left, one remained, we kept talking, and it was 18:30 when we left. But it was a great conversation to have: and one I needed. I was able to be honest about past, and current, struggles; as was the other person. A conversation that I believe was benefical to both of us. I am blessed with some wonderful people at work.
It was a tough day emotionally: I was asked to lunch by a colleague, but nerves, anxiety and a belief I was not good enough [yes; it is odd typing it, but at the time it made perfect sense], meant I withdrew. I am so tired of feeling like this. I am sorry if my ramblings are more whinging and whining than usual, but my life is what it is currently. Why can't I form new friendships with males without a sense of idolising them and feeling though I am not worthy of their friendship? It is so darn debilitating: and rather pathetic to be honest. And leads to me overcompensating in other areas [constant praising of them: though I tend to give credit where credit is due at all times, I can go a bit overboard in these circumstances] which no doubt leads to strange thoughts from there side about what sort of lunatic I may be. So odd. So strange. And a barrier to me having even giving full and proper friendships a chance to come to fruition. Not that every person I meet will become a best friend, or a good friend even: but I seem to scuttle the chance before there is any possibility.
Still, I suppose recognising this is at least one step: and a step ahead of where I was back at uni in my undergrad days. By the mercy and grace of God...