Categories: anxiety, self-esteem
Date: 11 October 2007 03:36:24
I've never understood the fascination, or concept, of people idolising sport or movie stars; it just doesn't make sense to me. But that doesn't mean I don't tend to idolise, and hero worship: in fact, it is the one of the things in my life that is a constant feature - especially when it comes to male friends. And it has caused a lot of pain: not to me particularly, but to the people I've idolised in some instances as putting somone on a pedestal has often led to trouble.
I made mention here of troubles at uni. I want to try and look back at this time, and the discoveries I've made since then. I am not making excuses, at least I hope I'm not, but I do hope that via explaning and pondering that time and my actions I can lay to rest the demons, so to speak, and I can, in some way, move on. I also hope, pray, it may lead me to understanding myself more: and perhaps, again, an ability to apologise completely to those I have wronged. I have apologised, numerous times, but various facts about myself have come to the light in the last few years which might help explain some of my actions -- though I'm not sure if it is best to let things lie or to bring these times back up again and explain further.
I am not sure how some people reading this will react - or whether I'm giving too much information. But I feel I should...I must. For my sake.
I never really had any close male friends at High School, or Primary School for that matter. Yes, I did hang around some people: but it was only for homework or PC game related things - I wasn't invited to parties; I wasn't invited out to movies, etc., by the guys. Girls did: lucky me. When High School was over that was the end of seeing these people. I'm not saying this as I expect the violins to come out, but simply as a matter of fact. I didn't know any different: I assumed this was what life was. I sometimes wished I got asked places: perhaps I should've been more up-front in asking. But I wasn't. I should've made more of an attempt to fit in: I was never “cool”, I never tried to fit in [well, I tried to be liked, but I didn't do this or act like that to do it...if people didn't like me, even then, I couldn't care. It seems strange, given my low self-esteem, but I am nothing if not contradictory!]
When it got to uni, a new world opened up. People, males, spoke to me; and we hung out. I met a friend [in the elevator strangely enough], who is still a friend -- in fact I would count him by closest friend: we had chosen the same video shop to interview for an assignment on Information Systems. Through him I met other people, and in second-year one guy in particular whom he had gone to school with. These people “let me” [the words are significant, at least they were to my thinking] hang around them - even at their homes, and asked me places. As I wrote, “Let me”. As I alluded to above, self-esteem isn't something I've ever had a lot of, and I truly did have that impression that these “cool” people, for the idolisation had started, were condescending to let me, pathetic little me, hang around them. In my mind, these two people were the greatest people in the world. It helped, in some respect, that they truly are two of the most generous and loving people you could ever hope to meet.
The self-esteem demons frequently stoked the fires of doubt: were these people feeling sorry for me, for I was so pathetic, that they were merely pretending to be my friends? A stupid thought perhaps, but one I gave into. Over and over again. And things started going down hill. I wrote e-mails saying I wasn't good enough to be their friends. They wrote back saying it was nonsense. I was satisfied, for a while. Then the fires of self-doubt were stoked and off went the e-mails again. And again. I am surprised these people, these friends, didn't throw their hands up with frustration and say, “You're right. You are weird and pathetic. Stay away.” They didn't. At least not at the beginning. After two years of on-again off-again one of them had enough, and who can blame him?, and I didn't do a great deal to make it easier. He forgave me, and we did see each other several time after uni, but I'm still scared: of him, of what he thinks of me, of the feelings I have. And I'm still confused as to why my closest friend is still my friend: I'm not as hot-cold-hot as I was, in fact I haven't sent such an e-mail since uni, but I do not know why he, and the other fellow, whom I saw on Saturday, even still talk to me. I definitely am not worth it.
I'll stop now. I can't go on currently. Please pray for me, a sinner.