Categories: depression, anxiety, study, self-esteem
Date: 11 May 2009 09:36:30
As mentioned below, one of the areas covered last week in The Life of Moses class was the contemporary view of perfection: a kind of 'all or nothing' -- either we are perfect or we are not. And we also looked at how this can easily pervade spirituality and religion, such as a view that it is the clerics and monastics who are holy and spiritual elites, while us poor laity can at best hope for some mediocrity: a "forgetfulness of our shared call to holiness".
Whereas if we turn to the Scriptures, and to Holy Tradition in the writings and lives of the Saints, we see that our call 'to be perfect as our Heavenly Father is perfect' [Matthew 5:48] is a work in progress, and one that will take the rest of our life. As St Paul writes in Philippians, he 'strains forwards ... [presses] on toward the goal for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Jesus Christ.' [Philippians 3:14]. And with this continual journey, our longing and desire for God ever increases, as St Gregory of Nyssa writes in The Life of Moses:
'...Moses, as he was becoming ever greater, at no time stopped his ascent, nor did he set a limit for himself in his upward course ... he continually climbed to the step above and never ceased to rise higher, because he always found a step higher than the one he had attained.' [#227]
'This truly is the vision of God: never to be satisfied in the desire to see him. But one must always, by looking at what he can see, rekindle his desire to see more.' [#239]
While there is a great deal to talk about, I was particularly touched and challenged by this 'all-or-nothing' attitude to perfection, because it is one I have taken on in my life, be it material or spiritual. Rather than, as we discussed, seeing a continual growth and striving towards excellence as the goal, ever climbing steps and making progress to be more and more in the image and likeness of God, I want it all, or nothing. And this can be very debilitating.
In terms of my work or study life, unless I get everything 100% right I am disappointed, or worse, consider myself a failure. I am never 'good enough'. It is 'all-or-nothing'. And where does this lead?: stress; anxiety; depression; low self-esteem. I am not making generalisations, this is me only, and my lack of brain chemicals also adds to it -- but I can see how this grasping for unattainable perfection in all I do can lead to such states. And it was a revelation to be reminded of this last week. I was very touched by a kind comment today by a colleague [one who is encouraging me to further study] about my work and my abilities: if only I could see them!
And there is the spiritual. Again, a fall at some point -- poor fasting, poor prayer, poor Bible reading, getting angry, hurtful thoughts/words etc. -- and again, it is not 'pick myself up and try again', but a wallowing in misery and failure. But Christ calls us to joy, peace, hope and love: and He is there, with his Everlasting Arms, to lift us up when we do fall. If only I could remember this as well as I recall His Judgement. I do not think this is to say the Christian life will be all joy, peace and hope: for at times it is a darn hard slog. But I need to keep in mind the call to perfection is not an 'all-or-nothing' call, but an invitation to enter more deeply into the life and love of the Blessed Trinity, and by this participation in the Divine Life, to climb the ladder to perfection one rung at a time. And to know, when I mis-step, as I will, and fall down a rung [or seven!], the call is to rest in God and His Strength, and try again: not despair.
May God help me in this.