Categories: self-esteem
Date: 21 October 2007 06:08:47
[Part I]
Or rather not fitting in.
I know God is infinitely wise and that He has placed me here in Sydney in the 20th and 21st centuries for a reason: but I am not sure what it is. I feel out of place in a number of ways: and have for quite some time. I'm not sure if this is as I have not made as strong an effort as I should, and thus my being on the outer is my own fault. That makes some sense. I do know I am not alone in this either: a few people have told me similar, and I am sure there are others out there. I do not have 'romantic' notions about the past -- at least when I'm thinking straight: I would've been lucky to survive childhood, and work would no doubt mean me in the fields or some factory performing back-breaking work each day. But, then again, at least I would've known my place and had no illusions about having a choice in what I do: I am thankful for the choices I have, please don't get me wrong, but they can be damn hard to discern at times and too much choice, at least for me, is very hard to cope with.
Hence my insecurity about my belonging, and my looking up to, idolising even, those confident souls who seem to know their purpose for life [or at least give that impression] and plough right on into it. It is not the successes they achieve I find attractive, for while I am happy for them making it up the corporate ladder or having a big house or a nice car are not things I worry about, it is their confidence: their knowing of their plan and purpose in life. Perhaps I am mis-reading them: they may be as confused as I am -- but it doesn't seem to show.
Why and where don't I fit in? Here are some issues off the top of my head:
I'm an Anglo -- yet I have only one or two Anglo friends. No doubt this is somewhat a product of where I grew up, but there have also been conscious decisions on my part. I never felt like I fitted in to the Anglo groups around me, whether at school or elsewhere. In school, and through uni, most of my friends were south-east Asians and today most are SE Asian or Middle Eastern. I do not tend to think of it that often: others tend to make the comments. I don't feel ashamed of my English and Scandinavian ancestry, but I have always got on better with those from other backgrounds: I find I have more in common with them -- for example, I like the aspects of relationships and culture that they have preserved, and we, as Westerners, have seemingly flung away. And I found, especially when growing up, that those from Asia and the Middle East were more accepting of you, even if you didn't fit in and had disagreements, than other groups: I'm not saying all is perfection, but I felt, as I said particularly in my teenage years and early 20s, as though I was accepted for who I was and did not need to change to conform.
I'm hardly a man's man -- give me opera over football and give me a nice evening talking with friends rather than a piss-up at the pub. Given this, it's hardly surprising most of my friends are, and have been, female. Hence, when a male befriends me, and accepts me for who I am, it does feel strange, in a sense; I feel 'accepted'. No doubt these probably sound like the rantings of a lunatic: perhaps the white truck should be called for. But it is how I feel. And this is another reason I then tend to place them on a pedestal: simply because they accept me.
I live in Sydney, Australia -- but don't feel I belong. I am not sure where I do belong, if anywhere. After all, a Christian's true home is not of this world: but it would be nice to feel comfortable at least for a while. I enjoyed living in Dublin, and I was looking forward to living in Hamburg [until the job fell through]. I do like Australia, like not love, but it doesn't feel like home. Or how I imagine a home should feel. I'm always looking east to New Zealand -- pondering a move -- but I do not act on it. But would I find home there? I doubt it: I'm guessing home is where you make it: perhaps I need to be a bit more proactive in this area.