Categories: self-esteem
Date: 13 February 2008 07:48:59
Thank you to all for the comments on this post: they are greatly appreciated, and do make a lot of sense.
And, I will say, I do feel as a parish we are very blessed to have Fr Antonio and his wife [Presbytera Clare] [see half-way down that page] with us: they are indeed a great blessing and add much needed guidance, and particularly a Spirit of Christianity and Orthodoxy, to our parish.
I do have trouble relating to most males though, and I suppose this is where my fears came in. I was lucky with our last priest as we seemed to 'hit it off', as occasionally happens between people. But I do find male friendships a struggle when compared to friendships with those of the other sex. There are a number of reasons for this: friendships at school, my not being a 'typical man' [if such a thing exists], my inferiority complex, and, some other issues too.
The inferiority complex is the big one: and the one that, supposedly, I could change [for one cannot change the past nor, without perhaps denying oneself, change what one likes]: but it is damn hard. Men scare me. They do. Truly. Getting to know men, or talking to men, can be a very frightening experience for me. Thanks be to God I do have some very good male friendships, but there have been a lot that I have stuffed up or not encouraged/put effort into due to this.
[This isn't due to any sexual or emotional abuse or mis-treatment : thanks be to God I have not had to deal with that particular horror of society.]
This no doubt sounds very warped to all you normal people out there. My logic is certainly not logical. Priests should not be people you are scared of [though I'd run a mile from DirtySexyMoney's the Reverend Brian!], but I do have those fears. "What will I say?" "What will they think of me?" "What if I can't make conversation?"
I do have these feelings before many get-togethers: even with friends. And Wibmeets. And Shipmeets. Though I may want to go on them, and even starts posts calling for people to take pity on a wandering Aussie in Wales or the Isle of Wight or London, when the time comes doubts arise. And stay. And confuse me. I do have a rather defective brain at times: perhaps I need to ask God for a refund. It is silly. I can see that now. But in the heat of the pre-meet moment, rationality is the first to go with me.
Why am I not as concerned with women? Not sure: I have seen that women can be rather mean at times to one another. But my experiences, from primary school up, have always been good. And my interests, concerns, personality, etc., all seem better suited to friendly relationships with women. Not that I am complaining: women are wonderful.
Rambling. No doubt it's time to stop typing. But it is good to spell out these things: for myself as much as anyone. Perhaps it can also help me to begin to deal better with some of these issues.