Categories: depression, anxiety, stress
Date: 05 October 2008 01:11:17
Dora's Pirate Adventure was great: far better than I would've thought. A great show, great performances, great humour: and who could not be moved by seeing their 3 y.o. niece dancing, singing, laughing and shouting along, waving her Pirate flag and having a fantastic time. Uncle Ian and Nanny enjoyed it too.
I had planned to visit St Francis', Paddington, today for their Patronal Feast, but the introduction of Daylight Savings here has stuffed me up: I can travel to the other side of the world and experience minimal jetlag and be over it in a day or two; yet a one hour shift here tends to stuff me up for the week. Bah. Off to see My Fair Lady this afternoon which I am looking forward to.
The assignments remain in a state of limbo. Procrastination is definitely a subject I could score a High Distinction in, but it is more than that at the moment. Anxiety. Depression. General feelings of malaise. This is not going to be a whinge and whine session, at least I pray it is not: I am doing alright. Admission to hospital, as happened in March 2006, does not even enter my mind as I am not in the same place -- but the struggles continue.
The lethargy is the hardest thing. Not feeling like doing anything. Yet, in a few moments, I may swing to extreme activity. And then swing back to lethargy. No consistency. Those who have met me know that I am not the quietest person on the face of the planet, yet currently any noise or distraction when I am trying to focus is setting me off. Any noise, however slight, and I lose all concentration. It seems to pierce right through me. So when I am in the mood for writing assignments or focusing intently on a task at work, any noise means I cannot concentrate. And I get frustrated and irritable. And decide to do something else: surf the web, read e-mails, play Scramble on Facebook or bore people with Wiblog entries. :)
Yet, I do see God in all of this. I know, in my better moments, He is there and has given me this particular struggle for a reason. And, considering all the 'thorns in the flesh' I could've been given, perhaps I got off rather lightly. And I also know that my anxiety and depression bring to the fore issues I struggle with on a day-to-day basis: anger, short-temperedness, fear of failure, low self-esteem... These times of depression and anxiety highlight these and make them more pronounced: it helps remind me these are passions and struggles and beliefs I should be resolving.
Now is perhaps not the time to make rash decisions, which I am prone to do in the midst of extreme activity -- usually by signing up to do extra courses so I don't have a moment's time free to ponder anything: which then leads to more frustration as I am so busy. I never said I was sensible! It is, however, a time to see what effect these have on me, and those around me. It is a time to realise that, without the Grace of God, it is futile to fight them: I cannot do so on my own -- particularly at these times. I need His Strength; I need the Love and Communion of the Church; I need the Prayers of the Saints, living and "dead"; and I need, through these, to make the beginning steps myself. I need to continue to "work out my salvation with fear and trembling" [Philippians 2:12].
And I pray and hope that, through the Love of the ever-blessed and ever-praised Trinity, I can.