Categories: anxiety, orthodox-life, stress
Date: 10 November 2008 01:36:26
Thanks to all for your comments on the post below. We may be at a new place, but this community is still as wondrous, loving and as much as a blessing as it always has been. Thank you all.
Elizabeth: thanks for the thoughts from the Monks of Mt Athos. Smudgie and Jackie: thank you for your comments. I do see where you are coming from, and I thank you for sharing. I will say that I do not think that the quest for perfection is stopping me making progress, but I do see what you mean; I but hope I can explain it. Chas, Tractor Girl and nessa[*]: thank you greatly for your prayers, thoughts and comments.
[*] edit: and rain too, who has just posted: thank you.
In my best moments, though I know I am called to perfection, I do know it will only be by God's grace and I am not expecting it to happen in this life. Given the different traditions and beliefs of me and my readers, I know we will disagree in some areas; I must say that I do see the Orthodox call to perfection in this life as something I do believe in. And while I may have the goal in mind, but it is not so overriding that my thoughts are constantly on it.
I also agree with Jackie's "baby steps" comment and think this may help explain my point of view further. I am not sure if I have said this before, but It is Orthodox belief that Adam and Eve were not "perfect" in the Garden of Eden; while responsibility must be taken for their actions, it is the Orthodox belief [as far as I understand it] that they were, in a sense, infants spiritually and in a maturity sense, and they were to grow in their spiritual maturity. In this sense we cannot be too harsh on them for the Fall: they had the capacity for Perfection, they had not reached it. I seem some form of reflection of this in my life; though we are suffering the effects of the Fall, in that the world is a place where it is exceptionally difficult not to sin due to our mortality and the fallen nature of the world around us. As Adam and Eve were to grow towards spiritual perfection, so we are called to also.
What upsets me most is the huge chasm between my life with friends and church and my life with family and, at times, work. I know we are all often harsher with our family, but this does not make it easier. I also, at least I think I do, have a most wondrous relationship with many people on the Internet whom I may not have had the pleasure of meeting; and some whom I have had the blessing of meeting. The image many of you have of me, as reflected in the all-too-kind comments, is one I do not see. I am not sure if it is easier to be loving on the on-line world because I am not interacting with people for extended periods. If I were with you all daily, would you still think the same of me?
Smudgie wrote in the comments below, "I’d like to actually meet you when you’re this mean and unpleasant creature you describe." I do not think you would. And I doubt if you'd want anything to do with me afterwards! At least that is my thoughts. I thank you Smudgie for the kind comments following: but I do feel they are undeserved.
I find it hard at church to stay behind and talk to people. I attended some talks at another church on Saturday and had to run to the refuge of my car between talks and run away quickly afterwards. When I force myself, I often find I have a good time, but I do not feel 'worthy' of such love and kindness. And I am afraid, and ashamed - ashamed of the view many have of me which is so different to how I may behave in moments of stress or frustration. Wibmeets and other get-togethers are great, but I am so insecure and afraid beforehand. I may show extrovert qualities, but it is at these times my introvert takes over.
Anyway, "baby steps". Thinking through this, and pondering the wonderful comments posted, as well as considering one of the talks from Saturday, I realise I do need to seek out some form of "spiritual director". It may be that I am trying to run before I can walk. Orthodoxy calls for mature guides, and I am blessed to have a Godfather younger than me in years but far wiser in maturity, spiritually and wordly. I am someone who travels this path through life alone, and tends to do things off his own bat; but when it comes to Christianity, and to Orthodoxy in particular, I do think I need a guide to rein me in from my excesses and direct me. I have sought out one before here, and I have had some good relations with some priests/deacons here, but it is not something, perhaps due to the relatively small number and part-time status of many of our priests, that is prevalent here.
Your continued prayers are appreciated. And I will move to "cheerier" topics in the weeks ahead; but as am I at this place now, this is what you get. :)