Categories: anxiety, orthodox-life, stress
Date: 09 November 2008 05:04:27
Perhaps not the cheeriest subject to return to blogging on, but there are positive aspects, and those are the ones I want to focus on.
First of all, however, thanks, thanks and more thanks to the various techological boffins who transferred the Wibsite, and the blogs therein, to WordPress. A job very well done.
My anxiety, and stress, continue. I have not been a pleasant person to be around -- particularly at home or at work. I am thankful that those at my workplace, particularly my managers, are very sympathetic and understanding of my struggles. I am blessed. I can take time off, though I do not want to "take advantage" of the kindness -- and I do like to do my work. But, with several things going wrong over the last few weeks, it has not been easy. [Though, I did have a great day, even dressing up!, for Melbourne Cup Day. Photos here.] I have been short-tempered and frustrated. Worse, I think the stress is exhibiting itself in strong headaches which just add to my frustration.
It was with this background that the Gospel reading last week [I eventually, after several weeks away, returned to my parish] of The Rich Man and Lazarus, and subsequent sermon -- covering, among other things, love and care of one's neighbour and a right attitude towards those around us -- that I felt as if I was truly the worst of all sinners (cf 1 Timothy 1:15, a phrase which is also used in one of the pre-Communion Prayers in our parish). Add to this my own knowledge, which I had tried to suppress, of my failings, and that particular Liturgy had me leaving in tears.
I also attended a youth retreat day yesterday [the definition of "youth" appears very fluid in our Archdiocese :)] with two great talks, one on Living the Liturgy and the second one hitting home similar points by looking at Morality and how one of the great Fathers of the Church, St John Chrysostom, described what we were called to and how we should think as well as act. There is plenty that I could say, suffice it to say that, again, the gap between my calling as a Christian and my actions appears to be ever-widening and the tears came again.
I did mention positive aspects at the start of this post. I do see this as positive. Orthodoxy, at least from my experiences, is rather different from other Christian traditions, at least those few I have been part of, in that it does call you to perfection in this life. Christ's instruction to be perfect as God our Father is perfect (Matthew 5:48) is something all Orthodox are called to strive for. And to believe it can be reached, in this life if not the next -- but we are called to aim for it now. And everything the Church offers, from Sacraments to Daily or Weekly Services to the works of the Fathers and Saints helps us with this.
Our life on earth is seen as a constant struggle against our fallen nature, a struggle we must participate in -- as a reflection and follower of Christ who suffered beyond our understanding for us and for our salvation. To be sure, it is only God who can and does save, but we have our part -- our response. And our response is to put to death those things within us that the Gospel and Epistle writers, the Fathers of the Church, the Saints, and holy people and people called to authority in the Church today, call us to shun; and to cultivate the virtues so we can become "partakers of the Divine Nature" (2 Peter 1:4) -- a doctrine Orthodoxy calls Theosis in Greek and deification in English.
But my mind is not fully set there yet. I may have the goal in mind, but I am barely starting on the journey. And yet I want to start. I desire to start. And when I do, it's seemingly one step forward and two back. But I do know that with God nothing can overcome, and though the path may be tough, it is what I am called to and what I must do. May the Lord have mercy on me and save me.