Categories: orthodox-life
Date: 29 September 2004 00:05:36
I woke this morning with the sure knowledge that I cannot go back to Anglicanism, and the sure knowledge that Orthodoxy is my future. A strange thing to wake up to, but suddenly everything clicked in my brain. Before I become more self-indulgent than usual, I want to make it clear this has to do with me -- not Anglicanism, not Anglicans, and not Anglo-Catholicism. It is my sorry tale and my sorry tale alone.
My realisation was that in my Anglo-Catholic (A/C) life in Sydney I was running away: running away from the evangelical beliefs I once held. When I first discovered A/C worship in Ireland, despite some initial misgivings, I embraced it heartily. However, when I returned to Sydney I found I could not worship in my old Anglican church -- the evangelical beliefs and practices it held were ones I no longer did. So I set out to find an A/C church in Sydney (there are not many).
I was not conscious of the "running-away" mentality: if I were I would like to think I would have stopped there and then. It is only with the benefit of two-and-three-quarter-years hindsight that I can see it now. I was not running to a faith, but rather running to avoid one. I find this rather pathetic of me. In no way was this thought encouraged in the A/C church I made my home -- I doubt anyone else there held this thought. And if my priest had of known I am sure I would have received a good talking to.
This is not to say that I did not grow in my time there: I learnt a great deal and was greatly encouraged by all in the church. Yet I still defined myself in terms that made it clear I was not evangelical -- rather than defining myself in more positive terms.
All of this changed when I first encountered Orthodoxy. I was only intending to see what they believe and how they worship. God had other plans, though. I found myself running towards this expression of Christian faith, running to embrace this faith. I was not running away from Anglicanism, nor was I running away from any set of beliefs. I was running towards them, my whole soul, mind, body and strength intent on, as best I could through the grace of God and the gift of the Spirit, ‘seeing God more clearly, loving him for dearly and following him more nearly' [to take from St Richard of Chichester].
This realisation is a double-edged sword. While I am joyful in the knowledge of where I am to go, I am grieving: grieving that I did not see what I was doing for so long and upset with myself for those thoughts. I am not sorry for my time in the A/C world -- or the evangelical world for that matter. Both environments helped me to be where I am today, and God was gracious in taking me there, being with me there and making me grow there.
I'm not moving simply because of this issue: there are other reasons as well. But as I thought upon this issue this morning, I realised that if I was to go back I'd fall into that old habit rather quickly. And all of my past has led me here. Orthodoxy is my future (if they'll take me!): there is no going back.