Categories: uncategorized
Date: 14 July 2006 00:38:08
I think this has got to be the longest i have gone without blogging. Its been a busy,strange, wierd couple of months. Lots has happened which i wont bore you with but i will give a brief outline even if its just for my own benefit as i like to look back over this diary every few months or so.
I always talk on here about how busy this last year has been and how much my life as changed. I think it all sort of caught up with me in April. (some facts may be slightly out of order as im trying to remember a couple of months worth of information)
APRIL- Id been getting random chest pains for a good few weeks and it was starting to scare me a bit. I went to the doctors a couple of times and he just said that it was probably just a bit of heartburn and also a bit of stress as i was so busy and the big changes id had. I wasnt 100% convinced but started on the Gavscon.
In the middle of April some friends of ours came up from London to stay with us for a couple of days. That evening we had our meal and we finally went to bed later that night. I fell asleep about 12ish and about 1.30 i woke up in a panic. It felt like someone was prodding my chest with their finger and a wave of panic came over me. I was so scared and i was convinced i was starting to have a heart attack. I was trying to brush it off and so sat up in bed and tried to read my book. In hindesight now i have no idea why i just thought ahh it will go away. Anyway it got to about 2am and i finally woke JT. The pain had got a bit better but i was really scared. I decided to ring NHS Direct and they said it didnt sound like a heart attack but could pop down if i wanted to. I decided to leave it that night as i had the reasurance that it wasnt my heart. I thought that would be it, but it seemed to start a whole chain of anxiety and worry. I was ringing up NHSDirect every few nights and booking to see the doctor as i kept getting pain and it was also in my arm.
I even went to the walk in centre at the hospital and they said it wasnt my heart. I even then went to A & E at the other hospital as i said to JT i just needed to know and have a ECG. We got back home about 4am. My ECG was normal which was fantastic news. For a couple of days i felt loads better. I was still getting a bit of pain but i again put it down to my heartburn. I then made the error of reading a medical book which said ECGs dont show if you have angina. That was it, my worry levels were again at their peak. We were due to go to Edinburgh for a long weekend with some friends and i was absolutly dreading it. I was getting myself so worked up and i was really upset on the journey up there. My heart just kept racing and i kept getting waves of panic come over me.
Im really glad i went though as once i was there i wasnt too bad. I had some pain and anxiety but i felt so good that i was able to make it.
Other things in April. I joined a gym and started my swimming twice a week. I love the swimming but the thought of seeing everyone hot, sweaty and running in the gym petrified me and i thought they were all going to keel over.
MAY- We got back from Edinburgh on the bank holiday monday and we were back at work on the tuesday.
I was in a lot of pain at work, but had a doctors appointment at tea time. By about 1pm i was getting myself all worked up and decided to leave early and go to the walk in centre instead. They decided to keep me in to do some tests. It was so horrible being on the heart ward. They did loads of ECGs and again they all came out normal. There was a scary moment though when they said one wasnt right and they had to do it again. The panic really set in and then they brought in the angina spray which set me off even worse. The angina spray did nothing which in a wierd way i was pleased about as it seemed to suggest i didnt have angina. Strange logic when anxious. It came out different as they had put some of the stickers in a different place.
Anyway i was in the hospital for about 4 days. After the 2nd day i knew i had to tell my parents. I was dreading telling them as i knew they would be worried and i would have to admit i hadnt been coping. They probably new already but i didnt want to have to say it outloud. They were fantastic and really supportive. So has JT he has had to put up with alot in our first year of marriage but he has been my rock time and time again.
While i was in hospital they even did the treadmill test and they said that was also normal. I didnt get the official results for a few weeks but they were 99.9% sure so i was sent home.
The following week my anxiety was really bad as i just couldnt shake off that nothing was wrong with me. I even went to see a woman at church who talked things through with me. Loads of people have been really supportive and there for me.
In the middle of may JT started his new job. That weekend though i ended up back in hospital Id woke in the night and although had a bit of chest pain tried really hard not to panic and did really well until a trip to the bathroom produced something a bit scary (really wont go into details at this point, which im sure you are all grateful for lol). I rang up the Emergency doctor and they said i had to get to A & E straight away. So at 3.30am i woke JT and we went to the hospital. This time i was allowed out on the monday and had a couple of test books for the following few weeks.
At the end of May we went for a weekend away to Chester. It was such a wonderful weekend and although we went swimming everyday and went for long walks i still couldnt shake the idea that all this was to do with my heart. The first night i was there i woke up with my arms completly numb and that got me really worried again, so although we had a lovely time i was also really tired as i didnt get much sleep.
JUNE- My appointment came through for my first endoscopy and i was really worried as they sent me a work sheet to ask lots of medical stuff. One question was about my heart and at this point i hadnt had the 100% confirmation that my treatmill test was normal so when i finally got the all clear with that i was really relieved.
My first endoscopy showed that i have a loose food pipe which is why i keep getting lots of pain. My second endoscopy which was the other week came back clear which is really good news.
Other news in June- We saw a brilliant show at the theatre. Dr Bunheads recipies for disaster (yes i know its a kids one but it was great. We had three Norwegens stay with us during visitors week a church and we built up a lovely friendship with them. Hopefully we will visit them soon. In June i also joined a Gospel choir and its been so much fun and realised how much i missed singing. We have started work on a extention at home and also re doing the garden. It was our first wedding anniversary which was lovely and we spent a wonderful day together.
JULY-When i got the results of the first endoscopy i mentioned again to my doctor my arm pain and so i had to also go for a neck xray. My blood pressure drops when my arm is in different positions. The xray came out clear though so that is good but also a bit of a mystery. She says it is most likely to do with my posture as im at the computer for 10 hours a day with work and to change my posture to see how i get on.
Right i think we are just about up to date. After lots of prayer and the love and support off friends and family my anxiety attacks seem to have really eased off. I do still worry about things and panic about whats going to happen in the future. I am still keeping up with my swimming though and trying to get a better level of fitness.One good thing is that ive already lost 2 and a 1/2 stone which although i have a long way to go is still an amazing thing. I still am getting pain but i have a answer to that now which has really helped. The main times i seem to worry the most at the moment is late at night as i still get scared that im going to wake up in a panic but im starting to try to go to bed a bit earlier as im getting exaused. I know its late as im writing this but i didnt think i was going to type this much lol maybe i should take out the word brief at the top of the blog entry
:-D.
I couldnt decide whether to write this or not, but its good to get it written down to show how far ive come. Also although i hate being weak and showing ive struggled its also good for me to share that. Im not ashamed of having anxiety im annoyed with it more than anything and im slowly letting God sort it out for me. Again my family have been brilliant and they have helped me more than they will ever now.
Right i am going to bed now. apologies for the long post
holly xxx