Categories: uncategorized
Date: 20 June 2006 17:18:33
"I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe"
(Sheryl Crow)
Hey, that's my prayer life at the moment. Put frankly, it's been useless, which may be why I stopped blogging too (but I've MISSED you guys). And I've discovered exactly what I always discover when I cut the communication cord between me and God, which is that I become self-doubting, obsessed by trivia, and unable to see anything more than three foot in front of my face.
This shouldn't surprise me any more. It's much like knowing that if I eat half a pack of biscuits I will feel sick and guilty, and I will get fat. I KNOW it, but it doesn't always stop me. The same with God... and after I've not been praying for a few weeks it just gets worse. I feel stupid starting again, and I've already started to believe that I can do everything on my own, so why bother?
But why do I always wait to muck things up royally before I get myself "right with God" (awful phrase) again? Not only have I missed every opportunity that has been presented to me to share anything with anyone (and how many times do the people in your office ask you what you believe about the saving grace of god? And I bet you wouldn't wriggle and answer "er, dunno really" if they did?), but also I really hurt someone by being incredibly blunt and lacking in perspective.
And that has left me with a choice. Either I can act like my faith has no impact at all on the way I behave and deny the existence of miracles and a god who saves, or I can crawl back on to my father's knee and hope that, with him, I can get my perspective back and make amends for shattering someone's fragile belief in a terribly difficult situation.
Hopefully God can also help me to make amends for being a fairly useless wife who hasn't done her share of the housework in a few weeks and moans a lot (sorry, Mr Fishsoup).
Put that way, doesn't seem like much of a choice, does it? Help me to haul myself off my ar*e and back onto my knees.