Categories: uncategorized
Date: 01 January 2005 15:21:54
I said to the man
who stood at the gate of the year,
'Give me a light that I may tread safely
into the unknown.'
And he replied ,
'Go out into the darkness
and put your hand into the hand of God
That shall be to you
better than light
and safer than a known way.'
So I went forth
and finding the Hand of God,
trod gladly into the night.
And he led me towards the hills
and the breaking of day in the lone East.
(Minnie Louise Harkins 1875-1957)
We woke up this morning in a friend's kitchen (an odd place to sleep, I know, and it smelt of Weetabix - but the inflatable mattress which hasn't seen service since Greenbelt did us proud) after an absolutely smashing party. Yesterday we went to Greenwich Park and ran up and down all the hills and then sat and ate noodles and discussed the year past.
It is difficult to believe that our individual struggles and tiny triumphs are important to count at all in the face of the devastation in Asia. The scale of death and destruction there all too big for me to comprehend, and I feel tiny, helpless and like everything I have done in the last twelve months and will do in the next counts for absolutely nothing. Still, in the knowledge that "even the hairs on my head are numbered" (and in the case of my husband the days of the hairs on his head are numbered too) I'm going to bother to record something about the last twelve months.
Before yesterday I had got used to describing this as a "dire year". We've seen four relations in hospital with serious conditions, lost one dearly beloved kitten and been through one soul-destroying employment crisis. I think I've learnt just how far I can push myself (or can be pushed) before I break down altogether.
At the end of it all I feel a bit like a child who has just stepped off a scary fairground ride, and is rather surprised to find all the bits of her body are still attached and she hasn't even lost her hat. Everyone (apart from the beloved kitten) is still with us, and surprisingly I find there have been some stunning moments of joy. Two fantastic holidays, one driving test passed. A wonderful greenbelt, a new job for my husband, a new column for me. Six weddings and an almost equal number of joyful engagements, one baby born to great friends. Tears of great joy as well as tears of great sorrow.
I'm somewhat surprised to find my husband on the leadership team of a church we were considering leaving last January, and the two of us leading alt-worship services, me leading musical stuff and editing the newsletter. I'm still loving singing. Housegroup is working fantastically, work is going at worst OK, our families are still wonderful and we've kept in touch with old friends and made new ones in some unexpected places. Our Christmas cards are filled with messages of support and love (thanks guys). Importantly (and slushily) I was able to look at my husband this morning and think "I love you more than ever, and know you better than ever".
So I'm finally ready to thank God for 2004.
And 2005? Plenty to pray for there, I think. I'm concentrating on just getting through January right now....