Categories: uncategorized
Date: 01 June 2005 08:46:24
I'm cross with God this morning - which isn't entirely fair, I know. and it isn't even as if I've a particularly good reason for it. Too much church stuff tends to just make me into the most resentful person ever - and then I feel guilty about being resenful and that I shouldn't be doing the church stuff and then i don't pray. It's a downward spiral.
I'm doing a lot of juggling right now when it comes to church things and this week i finally dropped a ball - forgetting completely that I had to do some children's workshop on newsletter writing on Sunday morning (as well as leading communion - not quite sure how that was going to work anyway). So I didn't do it. And it was fine. Except I feel bad about it and I've made the woman who organises these things a bit cross, which I didn't mean to do. I really do want to do the things I'm asked to do - not to mention Graceland, which is our own personal baby, as well as I can. But sometimes there just isn't time and in the meantime there are "kitchen tables to scrub, irregular verbs to be learnt and the time being to redeem from insignificance" (which is misquoted Auden). Work is miserable too - and I've lost all the people I found encouraging. And I wrote a big story this morning which didn't make it into the paper despite the fact it is all over the news this morning which is really depressing and I have little control over.
Graceland (our alt worship thingy) is on Sunday this week and it's on the Prodigal Son. I wish I could feel God's love for me like that sometimes, and it's hard to prepare for it when I don't. Sometimes being a Christian feels like an endless round of church chores that don't really help anybody and you're in trouble if you don't do them, and then an endless round of being laughed at at work and having everything you do watched. I know I'm such an "elder brother", but it's hard to drop everything and say that you just want to be with God when you know you've got a service to organise.
Anyhow. Enough whinging. sorry God. I know it's my fault not yours.