Categories: uncategorized
Date: 02 May 2005 22:16:23
Last night at cell group we spent a little bit of time purposefully sharing what we were each up to (by purposefully, I mean other than the normal chitchat) and it seems that quite a lot of the people there are feeling the same as Elicia and I are at the moment: in limbo.
With us, it's because we're still not sure if we're going to Hotham or not this ski season (we have another interview next Tuesday, by the way). Even beyond that, I feel in a bit of a spiritual limbo as well. I think this is left over from Hotham last year. It was great, but it was a huge break from most of the practical things we both did in the church, like youth leadership etc. We haven't taken many of those 'jobs' up again, which has been great for a break but it doesn't lead to a better sense of fulfillment.
One of our leaders said last night that he is trying to "search for God rather than God's direction" and that really truck a chord in me. Without a clear direction for the future I often feel distant from God. I think this is God testing me, making sure our relationship isn't based purely in the physical world, in my life decisions, making sure it's not all about me.
For instance, I have had very little work the last couple of weeks, and it has been very hard. We have been trusting God more than ever before, not stressing too much about the unpaid bills covering the fridge door. But this morning God revealed to me that it's not always his plan to save us. I have to be able to accept that this time he mightn't provide, that I might not get a job, we might have to lose our house and everything we own - and that if that happened, I'd still have to love God. That's a struggle for me. A lot of our relationship has been based on the 'reward for good works' model. I want it to be based on more.
This discussion also reminds me of the wisdom Ian left in a comment here a while ago, a quote by a saint whose name I've forgotten that went something like: 'I don't love God. I don't even want to love God. I want to want to love God.' I feel like I want to search for God, but I'm not really sure how. First, I have to search for how to search for God. And if I have to give up everything else to do it, that's still a fair price to pay.