The Parable of Ear Irrigation

Date: 28 September 2005 14:08:51

I had my ear syringed today. Yuk. I thought that it was an easy thing with a suction needle, not a hyrdraulic pressure pump that whizzes water round your ear to dislodge stubborn wax. This process is called Ear Irrigation, and it's every bit as unpleasant as it sounds.

I'd had to get this done because I had a bit of an ear infection, but the doctor said that he couldn't prescribe anything, as he couldn't see in my ear to tell whether there was an infection or not. Hence the need for the syringe. Anyway, I'm hearing a bit better now.

And so for The Parable of Ear Irrigation, told in comedy New Authorised Version language:

'And lo, once there was this bloke who could not heare, and his ear was sore; and so he went to the physician to ask him to fix it. And wonderous things did the physician find there, when he looked into the bloke's ear with his weird Ear Torch thingy. For there was a Blockage, and a lump of manky hard orange stuff lay there.

The Good Physician got a pumpe and put it to the bloke's ear, and hard did he pumpe. Water flooded that ear for many long secondes, and as the water went up, the wax came out, and the ear stood firm. It was sore no more, and he could now hear. The physician said, 'Go, and let manky lumps build up no more. One drop of warm olive oil every week should do the trick.

Then it was said: 'And thus shall it be for all of you. For many are those that have ears, but cannot hear due to large lumps of manky orange. You must have your ears irrigated.'

'But Lord, how can this be?' asked Peter. 'For not everyone has the free healthcare treatment we take for granted in this country.'

'I myself will irrigate your ears. Your soreness will be no more, and you will hear me clearly. Only let not manky lumps accrue. Listen to me regularly so I shall not have to shout.'