Categories: uncategorized
Date: 13 April 2005 19:20:55
Well, the enthralling election campaign about who is going to lead, or rather manage, us for the next few years is now in full swing. The Greasy Pole will highlight the policies of all of the parties in the coming days (or, with the amount I'm usually able to update, coming months, by which time it will be too late).
But there is always a sadly neglected lot. The ones who come in the 'others' column on the opinion poll. The ones who could just as easily be labelled 'no-hopers', 'deposit losers', and (for those who have no sense of fun) 'time wasters'. Wouldn't elections be sadder places without them though?
And this is their day in the sun, the day that they launch their manifestos and therefore have a bloke from the BBC watching them. So here is the absolutely official Greasy Pole guide to them all. Well, all the ones I can remember. Starting with the largest.
UK Independence Party
Scarily, a political force emerged in the late 90s catering for an unexpectedly large gap in the electoral market - people who were too bigoted for the Tory party, but not quite fascist. Now lacking in charisma since departure of Robert Kilroy Silk, they may perform the vital electoral function of making some Conservative candidates lose who would otherwise have won. This is likely to bring about what they most dread - further British integration into Europe. Known technically as 'Nader Syndrome', this shoot-yourself-in-the-foot approach has become increasingly popular in recent years in many countries. (Named after Ralph Nader - American Green who took enough Democrat vote away to give us Bush instead of Al Gore in 2000. Al Gore was the most environmentally conscious candidate ever to stand in a Presidential election).
Green Party
I still can't get over the Smith and Jones sketch where Griff Rhys Jones stands in a field and says 'I'm speaking on behalf of the Green Party on defence. Our defence policy is, er, a big hedge.'
Their attempt at broad appeal when launching their manifesto was to stand on bikes in a field whilst wearing what can best be described as hippy clothing. Sorry, but that doesn't fill your average man in the street with confidence that they're going to have a job to go to when you're in power.
Plaid Cymru (Party of Wales)
They're not the force they were under Dafydd Wigley, which is a shame, because they come up with some pretty good left of centre policies.
They've also got the most eyecatching policy anyone is putting forward in the election. They vow to continue to try to impeach Tony Blair for invading Iraq having misled the House of Commons. Part of me wants to say 'move on', but ... If they were to manage to get support from Tories and Lib Dems in a badly reduced Labour majority in the Commons, they could make things quite tricky for Our Tone in the next parliament, even hastening his demise. I can see some English voters scrambling to put up a Plaid candidate of their own.
Scottish Nationalist Party
Not much call for that around here. I mean, they don't even bother putting up a candidate in Swansea. I think I could pick their leader out in an identity parade, but that's about it.
British National Party
Their leader has been picked out in an identity parade. Nazis, thugs, racists. Enough said.
Sinn Fein
(Gerry Adams at podium): Would the IRA please give up their guns and give us a chance at the election?' (Gerry rushes off stage. Suddenly, a voice comes from off stage, which sounds like a muffled version of Gerry Adams): 'Sure Gerry, why not? I mean (voice deepens) The Leadership of the IRA will give that proposal due consideration.'
So if you're in Northern Ireland, you can be sure that you're aiding the cause of peace by voting for Sinn Fein.
Democratic Unionist Party
The House of Commons would not be the same without Iain Paisley. Vote accordingly.
Monster Raving Loony
For any foreign observers of this blog, please be assured that we do have a party of this name. I would be hard pushed to name a policy, but then like New Labour, it's style over substance.
Veritas
The party formed by the previously mentioned Kilroy Silk to ensure that he could lead a party. Amusingly, its pledge to state that all candidates have been checked for their criminal record has backfired, because the checks haven't come through yet, with the result that they don't have many candidates. Bottom of the list as they will probably get fewer votes than Monster.
So there we have it - how to cast a vote if you can't bring yourself to vote for the Big Three. Of whom more later.