Categories: uncategorized
Date: 23 April 2005 17:10:04
The Greasy Pole has just solved the nation's immigration problem.
We keep getting told that we've got a major immigration problem. Calamatous Force declared yesterday that the number of foreigners coming into the country is equivalent to the size of a town like Peterborough every year. We just can't sustain this, he said: there will be no resources left for the rest of us.
Calamatous is of course right. But a far better solution is staring him in the face, if only he'd look.
Think laterally. Peterborough is, with apologies to anyone who lives there, a bit of a new-town dump. Betjeman's poem 'Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough' could equally have been written about Peterborough. And the people who Calamatous wishes to exclude would bring us shades of Mumbai, Istanbul, Sofia and Krakow; or Shanghai, Kiev, Rio and Kabul.
It's a fair swap. Let's do it. Just ship Peterborough out of the country. Dig it up if need be and take it in crates. And then let the glamorous foreigners bring colour to these drab shores. And it's a very sustainable exchange as well - Peterborough is the tip of the iceberg. The aforementioned Slough could go to, then perhaps Cumbernauld, a town so ugly that it's own residents want it demolished. We can replace all the nasty bits of Britain over the course of the next 30 years, in fact.
The Greasy Pole is starting a petition to encourage the main parties to include this in their manifesto, alongside the happiness legislation outlined below. Which will be brave enough to campaign for it?
I suppose it might not do their Peterborough candidate any favours.