Categories: uncategorized
Date: 23 August 2005 22:23:51
"They say that when the going gets tough the tough get going"
Not me.
When the going gets tough I withdraw, climb into my metaphorical pyjamas and shut the bedroom door. It may not look like this is what I have done. On the outside I'm all business... work like mad... produce, produce, produce, but inside I'm at home in my pink fluffy slippers with my teddy bear, surrounded by chocolate wrappers and diet coke.
The going has been tough for a while now and I am increasingly aware that to survive I have slowly built up a resistance to this life of faith, to this God I chose.
In actual fact, if I think about it, you can see the signs on the outside, in spite of the working like mad and never stopping the iPod never leaves my side - (my perfect barrier...) Then there's the point when I stopped caring about how others see me... stopped caring about applying make up before work, about buying clothes, stopped caring about getting some kind of exercise, stopped caring that a day doesn't go by without chocolate.
It's the perfect indicator that I figure I look like sh*t so why should I bother trying to dress it up as anything else.
So tonight I'm thankful to God for Ron and Jeff and the fact that the 3 of us can get together and get real with it. Thankful that they don't judge me and my failings, and in fact pray for me there and then and help me talk through the rubbish. Man, sometimes those girls make me feel like I've been a Christian for a week instead of 15 years or more.
It's days like today that I remember that the year from hell took its toll on me more than I thought, and is taking its toll still.
It's days like today that Jeff and Ron remind me that it's like I'm actually just out of surgery and am going through rehab, and rehab hurts like hell.
But rehab ends in strength ... in healing.
And that has to be good.
I just wish it hurt less sometimes and that the results were easier to see.