Categories: uncategorized
Date: 07 October 2007 23:51:54
can you keep on keeping him in your prayers, please?
I've not felt compassion deeply or really for about 5 years now.
Still, I'll describe the expression " bloody painful" in relation to feeling things, usually about people... I don't care about ethymology here. Those words remind me of nothing other than Jesus praying on Gethsemany, while his friends abandon him for the land of nod, asking God to not make Him go through the next part of the plan, please-it's-all-too-painful-if-at-all-possible-I'd-rather-not, and sweats blood under the pressure of it all.
I've only today dragged myself over to the hospital to visit Guy. I've known all along I'd find it extremely difficult even though it's only this evening as the ward door locked behind me as I left that I felt the tears run down my face and the pain & frustration, the worry & anger, the pressure of it all & the truth of my apprehension add up so that I admitted it to myself. Pretty much every second of the hour there was tough. The rejection hurt even though I know it's not personal & not Guy. The sight of him lost & in pain & wanting hugs & love & peace but not finding what it takes to ask... Oh I hugged him & told him I love him, but peace is out of my power & I don't understand why God still now chooses to wait on him to ask.
Why does Jesus stick by this leaving us choose Him path even when people are out in hell on earth?
What is the point of waiting for someone to cry out for help when the person probably doesn't even see anymore that they have the option of calling out? They don't see there's hope right where they are if they'll simply ask Him to show Himself.
Guy needs Peace.
Peace stands by him.
Peace wants Guy to ask for help.
Peace waits for Guy to ask for help.
Guy carries on hurting because....
Well, it saddens me because I know only this: whatever pain Jesus feels in this quandry is like Gethsemany. He wills it away please-if-possible-it's-too-much but adds with the last of His strength: 'not my will but Yours" because He knows that Father will not impose His will even for doing good. It's the trouble I see with mental illnesses. God heals physical things, I'd say, at the drop of a hat. Mental things on the other hand come under the will, the mind, the bit of us that God won't make up for us. So it takes a winding & very different path, possibly more painful & more drawn out.
I hate that because it means that it takes a lot more than my prayers to trigger Guy's healing. It takes his cry for help. His choice to let God do what no man can: free him & give him peace.
I hate that.... It's bloody painful.
And I can't take the pain away. All I can do is watch. Guy barely allows me to put my arms round him & hold him.
I simply wish I weren't the worst culprit of falling asleep while Jesus prays and (Oh my soul!!) am I glad He is gracious & merciful & all that jazz :)