Je dois dire... "Berk!"

Categories: uncategorized

Date: 03 July 2006 00:40:39

French word.
Means 'Yuk'

I like onomatopea. They rock.

Have I had a good weekend?
No...
Have I had a bad weekend?
No...
How do I feel?
Don't want to feel...

So what, you may ask.
Well, I've been collecting nice moments and ignoring the bits in between. The last couple of days have been specially tough. Maybe it's because I've not managed to let go of H3 and the fact I so missed the crew and the music and the sunny fields about which I can't stop thinking. Maybe it's because I'm at the end of my reserves and pretty much with my back against the wall.
I've come to dread the words "Minnie, I've noticed something" and I am tired.
I'm really tired. Not physically. I could run a mile or 2, even in this weather. Actually I did on Friday, without thinking. (Come on now, it's true, I used to have to do PE in France didn't I, this heat is nothing!!) I'm emotionally worn out. Just now I think I'm living for Weds when I have some bits going on in the day and then 1 of my heroes picks me up and I'm staying at hers a couple of days. And Guy too. It'll be nice to get out of Walsall though. I've not had the cash to do so recently and I feel that as well as everything alse.

Hmmm. I nearly got up this morning in meeting and chickened out. I cried lots this morning because of things people shared or that went on, but I think I'm just brimming and they were simply drips making me overflow. I've got another couple days work and I'm not looking forward to going because I'm tense... I reckon the kids feel it as well, that doesn't help. The French expression "les nerfs a fleur de peau" translates as having my nerves right below my skin, in other words being too easy to trigger.

Friday's news:
Danny's not come out of hospital. He's sectioned. Medics decided drugs need to work better before they let him out. :( even though it's also good... I haven't had the guts to ring him. I can't seem to bring my self to. I found out from Dad on Friday. I reassured him it could be vital extra healing time. It needs to be. I know it can be but God needs in and Dan's not keen on God, at all. He was truly very upset and had a big outburst when the medics told him he was being kept in. Considering how sedated he must be, on stronger stuff than normal and that stuff numbs him loads already, he must've been real worked up to get angry about it.

I know Guy will be feeling this and I'm glad we had a day out on Friday (Doctor Claire took us to Lichfield, Star that she is, and we had a good laugh. I always do with her!). He hasn't said anything about it but I know it's been kicking up crud because there's been a few moments... He's on the up though.

I've done loads of cooking. Maybe that helps. And I've been getting him to help me and we've had some good fun doing times. It's a dark valley.

I still wonder how God manages to hold me and keep my head above water level so I barely swallow any. He's so good, so amazingly kind and compassionate. I mean at the end of the day He only looks out for me by choice! I'm glad He wouldn't have it any other way. Truly. I thank God that He is Awesome Good and my very own. In the arms of Love. People don't all know what they sing. It really isn't a cliche.

Enough!!! I asked God to take authorit in 3 people's lives today. Guy's and Danny's, cos they're my little bros and they're suffering. And L's. I know she lives with pain. Pancreas nastyness. I can't remember the name of the thing but it's complete evil and I couldn't stop crying when I heard her shout. She doubled over in agony and she's only 15 and she is so very very brave but so very fragile however strong she may be. I told God His little girl needed to be free. I do want Him to heal her. I do want Him to heal Danny and Guy. There're so many others who suffer seemingly needlessly and God's purpose is being worked out ant-step by ant-step. I'm sure it takes longer walking down a path of pain.

Oh! the things that have brought me close to tears recently. Things I always notice and think about but which don't usually trigger waterworks or the feeling I need to cry.

J mentioned this morning about some1 texting him every hour when he was going through the mill. I think the most frequent supporter I've been blessed with reminds me he cares for me once a day. I'm endlessly grateful for that. You know so! Still, I was wondering what it is about me that means that I've not had that from anyone. I can go a couple of days sometimes... And I don't think Guy's getting regular calls when I'm out at work. Why is it that this is our regime and others seem to survive on more? So many will and must survive on much much less than us.

God knows J made me cry this morning. I've been in so many parts of that story. I knew loads of it already and still J's testimony to God's excellent goodness was breathtaking. He held everyone enthralled as we heard of all our Jehovah-Elohim has done.
I've loved that family from the middle and sidelines more than I've loved many others... They have been my lifeline more than once by simply letting me be part of their lives and each one of them, young and older, has made my life better and more beautiful in some way and more joyfilled too. I can thank God for each of them over and again and it wouldn't make it up to them. The more precious the gift, the bigger the pain, it has seemed. I do wonder what God has in store. He restores the years the locusts eat, but He's always so weirdly and awesomely creative about it that we can't second-guess him and we'd never be able to think up anything half as good.

My little sister Claire is due in 10 days or so. My bestest nephew will have new sibling soon. How very exciting! How very groovy! A second cheeky monkey for the family to dote upon :)