Categories: uncategorized
Date: 14 August 2007 01:17:44
It's late and I am knackered but I just cannot turn my brain off tonight. My head is running through something that happened whilst I was on holiday and I just cannot seem to shift it at the moment.
Whilst I was away with my parents I had a couple of discussions with them about how I feel about my younger sister getting married for the second time. I think Mum had a fairly clear idea of how I was feeling, but I am unsure whether my Dad truly understood just how sad I was feeling about the whole things.
Anyway, one of the things (among a variety of criticisms) that he said to me during in a discussion was that he thinks that I am still single because I am too opinionated and too forthcoming with these opinions. He appears to have a view that women (in particular) should be quiet on all issues and not be allowed to hold a viewpoint which differs from the norm. Or at least if they do hold them then they should not speak openly about these opinions. I have to admit that was kind of surprised by this statement and then almost at once I was deeply, deeply upset by his comments. I have kind of resigned myself to the fact that my weight is a major issue for any guys and that if I want to find a 'boyfriend' (even though I hate the bloody term) then I need to be thin. This conversation however, put a whole different slant on things. I can deal with people not finding the way I look acceptable, but I was kind of shocked to find that my Dad doesn't really like who I am.
I think I must live in a different world to him. The world in which I live seems to suggest that to have opinions is a good thing, and to be articulate enough to express those opinions and the feelings that go with them is also a good thing. Maybe I am just surrounded by too many opinionated people, but they are the people I love. For me being around people who gold strong views is exciting and challenging and they make me sparkle. I don;t want to be a person who accepts things on face value because that is what they have been told by someone in authority. Surely being able to question things is a gift, and to be able to process the discussions which come out of those questions is a good thing but maybe I have got it wrong again.
I love my Dad very much and I am gutted to find out that I am a disappointment to him. It has taken me years and years to find out who I am, to separate from my family group (which is pretty huge) and to gain some degree of identity. I don't want to be a follower, and I don't want to be a leader, I just want to be me, but how do I resolve this when the 'real me' is unacceptable to those people I love the most?