Categories: uncategorized
Date: 29 August 2007 00:42:31
OK, so I have unpacked, put stuff away, bathed (sheer bliss!) and eaten. I am pretty knackered and will head to bed soon, but just a couple of thoughts about Greenbelt. (I have to admit that when I re-read what I had written this whole blog entry seems quite contradictory but never mind!)
In my opinion the music this year wasn't the best I have seen but I did go to see Delirious last night. I was with my friend Gareth and we pushed our way to three rows from the front, and we were surrounded by screaming 14 year olds. I felt very old, but Delirious were absolutely awesome! They are one of the most professional Christian bands I have ever seen perform and they had fab graphics to go with their songs. I have been watching Delirious perform since they were the Cutting Edge band which must be at least 10 years ago and they have just got better and better over that time. They sang ”Majesty” which is one of my favourite songs. It was amazing and the lyrics make me cry every time I listen to them but there was something very powerful about being in such a large group of people who were all singing this song.
I also went to see Matt Redman play on the mainstage. I used to love his music but there are loads of songs which trigger some really deep emotions for me and haul me back to remembering how low I was feeling at particular times. His song Blessed Be Your Name is one that I sing with gritted teeth and tears streaming down my face, but I love the contrast in the lyrics. I didn't stay for all of Matt Redman's set. It was just too hard for me to be there, and I sometimes feel that the “souped up” emotion of a Matt Redman gig can detract from the whole experience.
These days I feel that I have moved on loads from loving worship which is emotionally charged to wanting something that is deeper and more meaningful. Leaving church nearly two years ago was one of the hardest things I ever did, mainly because of my involvement with the worship, and in some ways it was a sacrifice, but I knew it was the right thing to do. My relationship with God has changed because of my struggles with the church. I have had to sit back and hold onto God without having the trappings of the church to bail me out. Sometimes I succeed, but at other times I feel like I am drowning. A few years ago a friend gave me a little book by Henri Nouwen called The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom. This book has kept me going when things have been really tough, and I was reminded of one of the reflections which I am going to leave you with now.
Keep Trusting God's Call
As you come to realise that God is beckoning you to a greater hiddenness, do not be afraid of that invitation. Over the years you have allowed the voices that call you to action and great visibility to dominate your life. You still think, even against your own best intuitions, that you need to do things and be seen in order to follow your vocation. But you are now discovering that God's voice is saying “Stay home, and trust that your life will be fruitful even when hidden.”
It is not going to be easy to listen to God's call. Your insecurity, self-doubt, and your need for affirmation makes you lose trust in your inner voice and run away from yourself,. But you know that God speaks to you through your inner voice and that you will find joy and peace only of you follow it. Yes, your spirit is willing to follow, but your flesh is weak.
You have friends who know that your inner voice speaks the truth and who can affirm what it says. They offer you the safe space where you can let that voice become clearer and louder. There will be people who will tell you that you are wasting your time and talents, that you are fleeing from true responsibility, that you fail to use the influence you have. But don't let yourself be misled. They do not speak in God's name. Trust the few who know your inner journey and want you to be faithful to it. They will help you stay faithful to God's call.