Categories: uncategorized
Date: 18 September 2007 19:11:47
WARNING - SELF-INDULGENT POST COMING UP!
I have just had a really interesting conversation with my Mum. I have been feeling quite low over the last couple of days, and it led onto a conversation that I never thought I would have with my Mum about how I feel about church etc. She is really encouraging me to 'trust in God' and 'have faith' that he will provide me with all the things I need yadda yadda yadda. Now, whilst I can see her point of view and understand that she is holding onto those things in her own life, I find it incredibly hard to believe in it myself.
She asked why I am pulling back from the church I have been going to for about a year and why I feel the need to go and try other things. I told her that I don't feel part of the church. Most of them are so family or student focused that if you sit outside of these groups then it can be very difficult to feel part of something. I just don't think she understands how isolating church can be for single people and how strong the family agenda is - that's OK for her. She is part of the family scene so she fits in. Church to me currently seems fake and unreal and I tend to leave the service wanting to punch someone.
The conversation moved onto me explaining to her that I feel a bit like God is an absent father. In fact I feel like he is a father who has left the family, gone and got himself a new wife, had children and is giving good things and his time to his new family. I feel like I used to have a good relationship with Him but now I feel as though I only ever correspond with Him by letter, but he never replies. It's not that I don't want to have a relationship with God - I just feel like it is a one-way process. I feel like second best, something that Mum is (obviously) struggling hard to understand. She keeps reassuring me that they love me very much (and then I feel guilty for being honest about my feelings!) and that they do not see me as second best in any way at all.
It's hard. I don't want to upset my Mum because I love her very much, but me being honest about how I feel always seems to upset her a lot. Maybe I should just stop talking about how I feel and just plaster on the masked smile and pretend everything is OK. Somehow I am not sure I can do that anymore. It seems fake - which ironically is the one thing that I hate most about the church.