Categories: uncategorized
Date: 26 December 2007 00:39:08
Christmas Day has been a mixture of happy moments and sad moments.
I went to Midnight Mass last night and pretty much wept my way through it. When it came to communion the vicar gave us the choice of a blessing, communion, or both, so I went for the latter. I found the moment of being blessed by someone when I was feeling so so sad very moving indeed. So, I went to bed still feeling sad with a heavy heart, but somehow feeling that there might be light at the end of the tunnel.
This morning I woke up with horribly puffy eyes only to be told by my Mum that my grandma had had a fall at 2am and was in hospital. I just burst into tears, and I don't think I was just crying for Gran. I think I just felt utterly overwhelmed by my feelings and the fact that I feel utterly out of control. Then I went off to church with my sister and her fiancee. I wish I had done as my gut was telling me and gone for a walk across the beach in the wind and the rain, it might have blown some cobwebs away. Instead I went to their church and the service was utterly shit. It was like everyone had been out on the lash the night before and they all had monumental hangovers. Compared to the sublime service I went to at midnight it was one of the most disappointing church experiences I have had in a long time. Then my aunt and my cousins came for lunch and it was lovely, a proper Christmas lunch with lots of wine and laughter and after that I went to the hospital to visit Gran with my sister and my cousin. She was better than I expected, although she is still pretty confused. Later on in the afternoon I walked with some of my cousins across the beach to Gran's house as even though she was in hospital we decided to carry on with our usual plans. We opened more presents and unnecessarily ate more food. I got to meet my new second cousin and spend some time chatting with my cousins who are all grown up, but some of them received mini helicopters which they spent flying around the hallway like 10 year olds.
In so many ways it was a good day, but in other ways I just feel rubbed raw. I love my family to pieces, and yet there are moments when I feel like a bit of an outsider. The being single issue is hitting me especially hard this Christmas time and I feel like I don't really have any future to look forward to. I guess having expectations when I was younger that I would get married and have children have utterly ruined me because they have not come to fruition. Instead of being able to say 'oh well' and get on with life I resent the fact that my expectations have not panned out. I seem to have spent the day listening to wedding plans and exciting plans for the future, and yet all I feel is resentment about the fact that I have not had those opportunities. I want to say that I am not interested in wedding flowers, cake, dresses, food, shoes etc. etc. and yet that isn't strictly true. I just wish that I could be talking about them in conjunction with my own plans. Instead of being able to tolerate these conversations with my sister I want to slap her and scream 'DON'T YOU KNOW THAT EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS STUFF IS HURTING ME?' and yet in order not to seem like a bitch and a bad sister I try to smile and nod in the right places.
I am back home until the 6th of January and I am not sure how I am going to survive the next couple of weeks. Please pray for me people because I am scared.