Sadness

Categories: uncategorized

Date: 22 January 2008 09:23:34

I feel stuck, and I feel sad and those two things seem inextricably linked at the moment.

Over the past few weeks about 4 different people have told me they are pregnant and whilst I am pleased for them I also feel this incredible sadness that I am still single and childless. I am trying hard to feel just pleasure for those people but because in my mind I feel as though I am failed it just reminds me of all the things I do not have. I acknowledge that I have amazing and consistent friends and yet somehow this isn't enough. I long to have someone there for me when I go home. Someone who wants to be with me, to go on holiday with, to cook for, to share work worries with and someone love and be loved by. And yet, this one thing seems to elude me.

Of course none of this is made any easier by the fact that in two weekend's time my younger sister is getting married for the second time. The biggest mark of failure on my life is that I have to go to her second wedding without ever having had the pleasure of going to my own. I don't want to go in so many ways, and yet I want her to be happy. Just the though of going makes me feel sick as I am not sure how I am going to cope. The temptation to dose myself up on diazepam is huge and yet I am not sure that will make things any better. It's hard to explain to my family this huge rift I feel within myself. They just think that I am being selfish and want me to ‘get over it' but it isn't that easy. I feel like for the last few years I have had to try and forget about what I want, because her needs have taken priority, and whilst I can manage that for so long it is becoming increasingly difficult to deny my true feelings. The difficulty is acknowledging that I feel bitter and jealous as that makes other people feel uncomfortable, and yet this is the reality.

For me 2007 was defined by sadness, loneliness and the feelings of failure, and it looks as though 2008 is going to continue in the same way.