Brokenness

Date: 10 June 2008 22:57:42

I have been musing again. Maybe that is a good thing, maybe it isn't.

I have a little notebook in which I write down things that tweak my brain, although sometimes I forget to write down where I heard them. However, I *think* I heard the following comments in Peterson's show The Re-Education of George W. Bush. The comments were about brokenness and they were something along the lines of ”When we are broken and damaged people how do we learn to speak truth, not only to ourselves, but also to other people?” and ”Is brokenness something we have or a label that is given to us to explain difference?”

It started me off thinking what brokenness actually means, and in church on Sunday I started musing on the word... it's a funny word really. I guess to start with I came up with all the negatives... something that is flawed, different, damaged and ruined and yet as I sat in that quiet, peaceful church my thoughts changed. They changed to thinking about something that is still different but can be special, honest, restore-able, hopeful, something that can bring about change and the fact that something that is broken can be beautiful in it's own right because of its intrinsic value. It's a bit like, one of the things I had from Gran after she died was a beautiful green necklace... it has been fixed... one of the beads has been smashed and glued back together. I love it, flawed as it is because of the sentimental value it has for me. It is broken, but beautiful.

I feel broken and hurt by lots of things; my image, unfulfilled expectations but the biggest one has probably been my experiences with the church. They kind of shattered my hopes and dreams for a long time and uncovered really soft, vulnerable parts to my character which have been hidden by a tough exterior, covered up by my defence mechanisms, usually humour and being cheerful (people never ask you how you are if you look happy).

I have always viewed brokenness as a bad thing, something that I should be ashamed of, and something that I should try to hide. As though being 'broken' is something that I should try to deny and pretend doesn't exist. Fear of people poking away at those hurting bits meant I didn't want to address them, or talk about them, or share them. I guess now my feelings have started to change.

My brokenness and vulnerabilities are part of who I am. Instead of making me weaker they have strengthened me and helped to shape me into the person I am today. I now know that some of the most wonderful people I have met, in one way or other are broken and hurting individuals. Their honesty about their own vulnerabilities and struggles have helped me be honest about my personal hurts and they have shown me how to to open them up to the healing light and receive some degree of hope. As Henri Nouwen puts it, "As mortal people, brokenness is a reality of our existence, and as we befriend it and place it under the blessing, we will discover how much we have to give - much more than we may ever have dreamt.”