Categories: uncategorized
Date: 16 January 2006 17:45:37
Jack's honesty has got me thinking again!
A few day's ago I was thinking, "How come I don't write much (if anything) about God and my experience of him on my blog?" I knew the answer pretty quickly - I'm actually quite scared of God and keep him at arms length a lot of the time. What am I scared of? - Well a number of things but I think at its essence is the belief that were I ever to let God (or another person?) really get under my defences, ever get the point where I really depended on him emotionally, then at some point or other he would require me to be or do, something that I really don't want and I would be unable to say no because I would need him so much.
I just want to say at this point that yes I know (in theory) God isn't like that and I understand in theory the concept of unconditional love and have actually (thanks to some very dear friends) gone a long way in experiencing it too. All I can say is that this fear is at an altogether different level, more subconscious, instinctive, primal even.
I was talking about issues in this kind of area in my counselling session this morning. It was a really difficult and painful time. The pain is of such depth, enormity and savagery and I am so afraid of feeling it. I'm exploring with my counsellor, issues to do with being with another person even when you want different things, being close to someone without losing a sense of identity and the pain from the past of not having emotional needs understood or met in childhood, or only met in response to having to be/act a certain way.
I feel in quite a muddle and confusion in the middle of all this. I can see and feel the way I am at the moment and I can understand that there may be something "different" out there, but I really can't make sense of what that "different" is (or whether I like it or want it?).
I'm also very tired. After my counselling session I came home and went to bed with a hot water bottle and slept for 3 hours. There ARE some advantages to working part-time! I really feel like I'd like to go to bed again now too but I'm making myself wait until 9.00pm in the hope that it won't upset my body clock too much that way. Of course by then I'll be wide awake and ready to vacuum the flat!