Not sure what to put here.

Categories: uncategorized

Date: 13 February 2006 22:09:03

Well - apologies for not posting more frequently at the moment. Things are quite busy and also quite emotional at the moment. The text below is extracts from an email to my counsellor. It might explain a bit about what is going on for me at the moment. On the other hand it might be as "clear as mud"!

Dear C

Well I wanted to let you know what I've been thinking and feeling since this morning. I've been feeling very battered, bruised and bewildered and like the world is swirling. It's felt like maybe being jarred to the core or shell-shocked. I went and got some petrol and did a bit of food shopping after I left you this morning. I managed to leave one of my bags of shopping in the shop and had to go back for it, so I that gives some idea of my state of mind!

I had a real desire when I got back home just to crawl under a warm duvet and curl up and lose consciousness. I'm wondering whether some of my desire to sleep so much has got a lot to do with that wanting to lose consciousness in order not to have to deal with that weird and mind-blowing mixture of longing for closeness but also fear of it. Sometimes, like today, it's really hard following a session just to get on with everyday life!

Still I did manage to do the tutoring preparation I needed to and went to my tutoring session and got a few little jobs done at home too (like a load of washing). That just leaves all the other stuff I've been putting off for ages like paperwork!

Today's session has opened up a really big area for me and it is VERY SCARY. It's also eye-opening as well though. Do you remember me saying that sometimes, it was easier for me to feel close to you when I remembered contact with you, than actually at the time? I'm wondering if I can understand this better now, in terms of the memory feeling "safer" than the actual contact. I've been struck today with how I feel I dare not feel close to you or others. It's as though part of me just won't let me feel closeness; it's just too risky.

I'm also left feeling like "how on earth will this get resolved?". I'm not sure that's a question I want you to answer at the moment though (too scared!) and certainly not by email.

I feel encouraged by what you said though about what we were doing today being very important - allowing the fear and the hunger for closeness to be felt simultaneously! (Oooh - I've just descovered -writing about it in the passive tense is easier! I guess less immediate and "relating to me")

Well that's about all for the moment. I do want you to know about how I've been feeling since this morning but I think this email is also about trying to keep some sense of contact with you too!