Categories: uncategorized
Date: 24 September 2007 18:39:57
I just wanted to let you know that I am still feeling pretty dreadful. There's other things that I've realised too about my desire to make, understand and know exact rules about every interaction I have ( Yes I don't think it's actually possible to do this, but I still find myself trying to!). Partly it's a self-protection thing, but also I'm beginning to wonder whether actually, deep down at a level I'm not usually aware of at all, I actually feel guilty all the time - not necessarily about anything specific (or not that I'm aware of- unless it's about actually existing! - maybe I'm actually feeling that I have to justify my existence by high achievement or else I shouldn't exist?)
Because of this guilt I'm always scared underneath it all that I'm going to be blamed for something ( again not specified) so my desire to have detailed rules is to avoid this feeling of blame and condemnation.
Actually, typing now about possibly feeling guilty for existing, leaves me feeling that I want to cry. I feel that there is something true in it at a level I've not realised till now. For me there's a connection with my early relationship with my dad. I think from a very young age I had an underlying anxiety about my Dad's seeming ambivalence towards me and that this might have boiled down, in a very childlike simple way to "Is it really alright for me to be here?" (does my Dad really want me?). Then my answer was "yes it is OK to exist/be here if I can make my Dad pleased with me by doing something clever/of a higher standard than could usually be expected. "Performing" to a high standard, alows me to deflect that feeling of guilt just for being, and of course in order to reach a "standard" you have to know what the rules are!
I think I'm touching at something at a deeper level than before here and it feels helpful to do so. Particularly when I think "yes it is good for me to be here/to exist, regardless of what my Dad's thoughts or feelings were towards me as a child." The rightness/goodness of me existing is completely independant of whatever my Dad might think.
Actually, I had problems typing "the rightness/goodness of me actually existing" because deep down part of me is still finding it hard to believe.
Oh - there seems to be so much here that needs looking at.!
Thanks for reading all of this - I didn't set out to write this much - it just kind of happened as one thought led to another. I'm still feeling pretty horrible and churned up though!